


cruel summer on cornelia street

by WelcomeToTheBadlands



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Alternate Universe - Tattoos, Awkward Ben Solo, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Loss of Virginity, Mutual Pining, Oblivious, Sex Toys, Slow Burn, Soft Ben Solo, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Vibrators, Virgin Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 22,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21749065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WelcomeToTheBadlands/pseuds/WelcomeToTheBadlands
Summary: A.K.A Oh my god, they were roommates!__Ben Solo has never had a friend before Rey Johnson, his now apartment roommate and crush of an ongoing three years. It's the fourth summer that they've spent together, and the pining gets worse.Ben thinks that Rey will never go for someone like him despite the fact that all Rey's friends keep telling Ben that he's the only guy Rey's ever been attracted to. Rey isn't the type of person to not tell people what she wants, so she obviously would've said something if she liked him.Right?
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 150
Kudos: 351





	1. a horrible first impression, a great new love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [splintered_souls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/splintered_souls/gifts).

The first thing that Rey learned about Ben Solo was that he made horrible first impressions. It had been three years now, since the day that they first met, but Rey still remembered the conversation really well.

He had come in to get an oil change and for some reason it didn’t connect in his head that she was one of the mechanics on duty. “Can I talk to someone that works here?” He had said, and Rey blinked for a minute before coughing. 

  
“I work here, buddy.” For a second she had thought that she was going to have to work with an asshole about whatever he wanted on his car but she saw him pale and then look down at his shoes.

  
“Oh, fuck. Sorry.” The second thing that Rey learned about Ben Solo was that he was horribly socially awkward. That summed up most of their first time meeting each other. And the second, when he came back to get his radio replaced after it broke down, and then the third time when he needed more coolant for the A/C except Rey checked the car and he really didn’t.

  
She was checking him out when she said, “You know if you want to get to know me better, you could just give me your number.” That’s how their friendship started. Rey had no idea that she would end up falling for him.

  
***

  
The first thing that Ben Solo learned about Rey was that she wasn’t afraid to call people out on their shit. He enjoyed that, a lot. There were sometimes when Ben would push too hard or say something rude and people wouldn’t tell him that he was being rude and he hated that because if he was being honest—he didn’t know.

  
The second thing that Ben learned about Rey was that she was way nicer than he thought that she would be, or nicer than she should be. Every time he came in to her garage she greeted him with a smile and asked how his day was. They would talk more than just the regular customers would. He had no idea why she ended up asking him for his number, but he gave it to her. It took only two weeks for the two of them to become friends, and Rey was the first person that had ever made the time for him.   
Maybe he valued her too much.

  
A month into the year Rey texted him. 

  
**Rey: hey there’s this vintage arcade on 4th and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me???**

  
**We could get pizza after**

  
**You can say no but**

  
**I thought that it would be fun to beat your ass at pac man **

  
**Ben: jokes on you I hold a record for pac man**

  
**And that sounds amazing**

  
**Just give me a time and the address**

  
And so they had their first not-a-date thing. 

  
The third thing that he learns about Rey is that she’s competitive, almost as competitive as he can get sometimes. Rey beat his ass at Pac-Man but Ben beat her at the mini basketball game and Ski-Ball. She retaliated by beating his Space Invaders score before they both ended up playing Street Fighter together. It was fun all together. 

  
Ben wished that he could stay there with her forever, and for the first time he looks at her, really looks at her and notices just how beautiful she is. Her hair was pulled back into a strange three buns that he wanted to ask about but was too nervous to, she wasn’t even wearing any makeup but her skin was flawless, and she had a full sleeve of tattoos that looked like a painting that looked like they could be in a museum. It was ocean themed. “You want to go for pizza?” 

  
“Yeah, sure.” He bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to think about anything. 

  
“You okay?” 

  
“Yeah, yeah. I’m good. Zoned out for a second.” 

  
***

  
The third thing that Rey learned about Ben Solo was that she was his only friend. Which was okay, because that’s how Rey became friends with Finn, and then Rose and Poe. It was the mom friend genes in her. 

  
The fourth thing that she learned about Ben Solo was that he had a horrible job. He talked about how he was good at it, but he barely ever had free time and he usually only slept about five to ten hours a week. Rey took that in to account when they ate pizza together for the first time. That’s why a month into their relationship, when Ben was having a panic attack and she could just feel that something was wrong she called him. His breath was shaky on the phone. “Hey,” 

  
“Hey,” She said, “are you okay?” 

  
“I’m—I don’t think so.” 

  
“What’s wrong?” 

  
“It’s—okay,” The pauses between him talking were too much. 

  
“Can you tell me where you work?” 

  
“Why?” 

  
“Because I’m coming to get you.” He had protested a little at first, but Rey had told him that she would put on find my IPhone if she needed to and come and find him. So he told her, and she got him out of the office and in to her car. 

  
The fifth thing she learned about Ben Solo was that he got tunnel vision when he was having a panic attack. They drove in silence for a little bit before Ben said, “I shouldn’t be away from work for so l—” 

  
“When did you go home last night?” 

  
He was silent. 

  
“Ben?” 

  
“I think eleven?” 

  
“When’s the last time you ate?” 

  
More silence. 

  
“Are you hungry?” He nodded. They drove in silence a little bit longer before Ben spoke. 

  
“I’m sorry,”

  
“What are you sorry for?” 

  
“Interrupting your day,”

  
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” He actually believed her when she said that. She spent the rest of the day eating with him before taking him home.

“You okay?” 

  
“Yeah, I’m okay now.” 

  
That was the first time that Ben realized that he was falling for Rey. 

***

Every time Ben saw Rey, he got the happier version of her. Rey usually did that with her friends. She didn’t like people seeing her emotions, it was just easier for her to bottle up the internal struggle inside her and focus on other people. 

  
That’s the way she had been coping with this sort of thing her whole life. Except when Ben and her had met up and the first thing he asked her was, “Are you okay?” She must have faltered in her answer because he asked her again later in the conversation. 

  
“I’m fine, Ben.”

  
“If we’re going to be friends and I tell you my problems, you’ve got to reciprocate and tell me what’s going on with you. It wouldn’t be fair for me to dump my shit on you and you not dump your shit on me.” Rey stared at him for a moment. 

  
“You want the truth?”

  
“Yes,”

  
“I’m just—having a week. You know?” 

“Tell me about it.”

  
So she does. She tells him about her apprenticeship at a tattoo shop and how working both jobs is stressing her out but she’s saving money to open her own shop and she doesn’t want to use loans because the thought of debt scares her. She tells him about her fears of inadequacy and how she’s lonely and he listens. 

  
At the end, he tells her, “You’re not alone.” She smiles sadly. 

  
“Neither are you,”

***

It was the second summer that Rey moved in with Ben. She wished that it was under less stressful situations, but her piece of shit landlord, Unkar Plutt, decided that he wanted her apartment for someone else so he gave her an eviction notice and Rey didn’t have enough time to go somewhere else. 

“How convenient it is that you suddenly need a roommate.” Rey had told Ben after he had told her that she could stay with him. He blushed and stared down at his food.   


“I mean you don’t have to like—stay there for a long time. I’m just saying that if you need a place, there’s a spare bedroom in my apartment that’s never used. Plus, I’m lonely so yeah—” Rey could relate to that a lot. 

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, that sounds really nice.”   


“Yeah?”   


“Yeah,” 

***

Ben Solo had known Rey for three summers by now, and not all of them had been kind to the both. The two of them lived together now, and Ben was glad that she was there. Before he knew her, his apartment didn’t have any personality to it. It didn’t feel like home at all. Now she was here and everything just screamed Rey. He got up early to make himself some coffee before he went to work to find a sticky note on bag of coffee grounds. Have a good day! Try not to drink more than 2 cups – Rey. She knew that he was probably going to drink four cups. There was no way around it. 

Still, it was the thought that counted. He put the sticky note in his pocket after drinking a cup of coffee and heading to work. 

Ben could say now that he broke his day down into three parts: 

1\. Going to work and being bored.   
2\. Getting stressed out.   
3\. And coming home to Rey. 

The third part was the best part of his day. Usually he could block out most of the other distractions and just do his job. Numbers, reports, those were things that he was really good at. He’d always been the biggest overachiever in First Order industries, despite the fact that he was stressed constantly and that was affecting him so much. 

  
Rey had been the one who had convinced him to stop working so much overtime, although he would still come home later than most. Old habits died hard. When he did come home, Rey was almost always there to greet him with a hug even though she didn’t have to do that. They’d made a routine. She didn’t ask how work went unless he looked visibly upset, they ate, and then they watched something on Netflix together. 

  
Sometimes when Ben was really tired, Rey would let him lay down on the couch next to her and read to him. This was the fourth summer that they had known each other now, and each day was spent with moments where Ben wished that there was more. But of course, he was pretty sure that it was all in his head. There was no reason for Rey to like him, not in the way that he wanted her to. So he did nothing.   
Maybe, one day it would go away, and he would just look at her for what she was. The first person that gave him any sort of validation in his life. 

Maybe one day. 

Just not today.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey listened to too much Taylor Swift.

_I like shiny things but I’d marry you with paper rings…_

Was it too obvious? Probably.

_When you jumped in first I went in too, I’m with you even if it makes me blue._

Was it too obvious for Ben Solo? Probably not.

Every once and a while the both of them would have a really shitty day at work so Rey would just fire up the car and they would drive out of the city and into the countryside and just stare at all of the trees. Breathe in fresh air and talk about things.

It was one of the best things that had ever come out of them living together. Rey could solidly say that it reduced her stress a lot when she got to talk to Ben, and she knew that it did the same for him.

The song transitioned to Cruel Summer and Rey cursed shuffle for a minute and then skipped that song. “I thought you liked that song.”

“I do, I don’t want to listen to it right now though.”

“Okay,” Three Rounds and a Sound by Blind Pilot came on and started to play softly through the speakers as Rey prayed that she would dissociate.

_They're playing our song  
They're playing our song  
Can you see the light?  
Can you hear the hum?_

“You doing okay?”

“Yeah, just tired.”

_Of our song  
I hope they get it right  
I hope we dance tonight  
Before we get it wrong_

“You want to talk about your day now?” Rey asked. That was the one thing that Ben was never good at. Talking about things that were wrong. But Rey was willing to wait for him to be comfortable to tell her what he was feeling. And eventually, he always does.

He did again. “Just the usual type of stuff, you know. Snoke complaining that I don’t get as much work done as I used to even though I still get projects done long before their due date and still have the best time management skills in the entire department. We got in a bad fight and he threatened to fire me but he won’t.”

“You should look for another job.”

“I’m not going to find another job.” They had had this argument so many times. “No one is going to want to hire me.” Rey didn’t say anything this time. She was too tired to. Instead she decided to change the subject.

“You know what I think about that, but anyways. You want to go out to eat?”

“That sounds great.” Ben said. So they did.

__

Ben wondered if Rey was mad at him. He knew that sometimes she would get irritated with him when he was down on himself, but he really wasn’t sure why. He just knew that he’d probably be trying to make up for it for the next four days even if she got over it in the next five minutes. The two of them had gotten something to eat on a small fifties style diner on the outside of town and the waitress mistook them for a couple.

That wasn’t the first time that had happened.

Part of Ben wanted to say, _I wish we were. _Of course, Rey had to insist that they were both friends and Ben found himself dying on the inside. Other than that, dinner was nice. The two of them talked about random shit for the rest of the night and then went home together.

“Night, Ben.”

“Night, Rey.”

__

The one thing that Rey could say for sure was that she wished that she was Peggy Carter. For one, Hayley Atwell could get it, for two she was a lot smoother and could beat men up. Which was one of the things that had made her so appealing to Steve. “I wish I had that,” She muttered as Rose, Finn, Poe and her all watched Captain America: The First Avenger at the same time over their Skype call.

They had been planning on getting together to watch the movie, but Rose’s car had broke down and Finn had gotten a cold. So, the four of them were sitting in their respective apartments starting their Disney+ up at the same time. (Rey and Ben had argued about getting Disney+ for a while. Rey originally hadn’t wanted it, considering that she owned every single Marvel movie on Blu-Ray and the Mouse was a symbol of capitalism that was really really problematic. Ben’s reasoning was, “If I want to watch Beauty and the Beast and cry while I’m wine drunk, then I will.” He had won that one.) Now they were into the part of Captain America where Steve and Peggy were talking while he was still small.

“Poor Rey, she’s pining again.”

“Shut up, Dameron.”

“It’s true,” Poe told her. “You need a good dick appointment. Or like – a vibrator.”

“Aren’t we watching Captain America right now?”

“Right,” It wasn’t until Steve had the serum injected into him that Rose spoke again.

“Hot damn,” She said, “this is reminding me why I date again.”

“You have never met anyone like that.” Rey said. She got where Rose was coming from.

“You know who’s apparently jacked underneath all of those expensive suits and occasional sweaters?”

“Oh my god, Poe.”

“Ben.”

“Will you ever shut up?”

“Leave the poor girl alone, we all know that she’s not going to tell him.”

“I have told him! Three times! He’s thought that I was just drunk and talking out of my ass each time and I mean, it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t like me so can we stop talking about Ben and just watch the movie.” Rey needed a drink. And to cry. Both of those sounded great right about now.

“Oh honey, you need to move.”

“I’m not moving until I get the money I need to start up a tattoo parlor and afford an apartment anywhere without needing a roommate. Can we please just stop talking?” They watched the rest of the movie in a bit of an awkward silence. They only made occasional comments about the sexual tension between Steve and Bucky and the missed opportunity Disney had there to cash in on a romance storyline between that. After that, the call disconnected.

__

Rose called back after the movie was over and the two of them talked for a while. First about the schedule next week at the garage, and then the conversation gravitated about how Rose was going to go bar hopping later and she wanted Rey to come. “If you’re going to try and set me up with someone I will leave.”

“I won’t set you up with anyone.” Rose said. “But you need a good dick appointment. You know that.” Rose was right. She always was.

"I'm pretty sure Ben ruined men for me." Rey said.

"What do you mean?" Rose asked.

"I can't find any guy except him attractive."

"Oh no."

"Yeah. It's bad."

"Rey, you at least need to get-"

"Rose, I know your sister designs vibrators for a living but you need to stop telling me to get one."

"Well you need a dick appointment. You're dying, Rey. Come on. Or you could you know - tell Ben when sober."

"Well gee, I wish I thought of that." Rey rolled her eyes. "Don't you think if I could just tell him I would've three years ago?"

"I can arrange for him to walk in on you while you're taking a bath."

"That would kill him on the spot. But he made it pretty clear he's not attracted to me and doesn't want to date anyone right now."

"Hmm I wonder why. Probably because he _is in love with you_. He's just a huge fucking nerd. Come on, Rey."

“I know he’s a nerd, but I’m telling you he doesn’t like me. I’ve basically thrown myself at him multiple times and like I said, have said, _Hey Ben I really fucking like you, _and he just doesn’t respond. Okay? He doesn’t like me. I don’t know how many times I have to say that.”

“I’m sorry, girl. Maybe something will happen but I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ll pay for your drinks if you go out with me though.”

“You’re on babe.”

“So, tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.” Rey was glad that tomorrow was Saturday and she wasn’t working at her apprenticeship at all this weekend. Today was really hitting her hard. “Talk to you later, Rose.”

“Talk to you later.”

__

Was it pathetic to dread the moments when you were alone? Rey knew that she had past trauma that led her to hate the moments where silence overtook the apartment. But it was getting harder and harder to be without Ben Solo at any point in time. When he came through the door, Rey always greeted him with a hug that lingered a little too long. “Hey!” Ben always came in with this bear hug that lifts her up off her feet for just a second.

“Hey,” When he set Rey back down, she turned, “I made some casserole. It’s in the fridge, you just have to heat it up.”

“Oh, you’re a godsend. Thank you.” Rey smiles, taking in a shaky breath before continuing with the conversation. She just needed to remember that he didn’t like her like that.

“How was your day?”

“Boring as fuck,”

“Same,” Ben Solo did this thing where he adjusted his glasses when he didn’t know what else to do with his hands. Every time he did that Rey could feel her heart skip a beat. Suddenly she regretted the glass of wine she had had and watching all of Always Be My Maybe for the fifteenth time in a row. _Maybe the only person who could substitute Ben is Keanu Reeves, _Rey thought to herself, _okay even then it would still be Ben. _

“What were you watching?”

“Oh nothing, bored. Just skimming.” She watched him get out the casserole that she had left over for him and start to heat it up.

“Right,” He said. “Is that Always Be My Maybe?”

“Yeah,”

“I love that movie.”

“I know,” Rey wasn’t the type of person to watch romantic films by herself. And then she met Ben. Ben who was paralyzed whenever it came to anything scary but would cry during romantic romcoms because he just felt that much.

And Rey started watching all of the stuff that he liked to watch when he wasn’t around because it made her feel closer to him. “We should watch it together some time.”

“Yeah, maybe later.” She said. “I was going to um – take a nap though.”

“Oh – okay. Hope you have a good nap.” She was dying on the inside.

“Thanks. You should take one too, self care.”

“Yeah, I gotta work though so—I’ll see you when you get up.”

“Okay.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait to post this chapter but I'm going to see TRoS today and I think some people need some fluff. Pls no spoilers in the comments for anyone who hasnt seen it

The first time Rey and Ben cuddled, it had been a year since Rey had moved in and there had been a city wide black out, and Rey had just gotten dressed after taking a shower. Bonus, it was fifty degrees outside and didn’t take that long for the apartment to start freezing. “Rey?” Ben shouted when the lights had gone out. It was pitch black in the apartment.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” She said, “just looking for my phone.”

“Okay.” Ben found the flashlight on his phone and walked over to her room. “Have you found it?”

“No,”

“Are you decent? I can come in and help?”

“Yeah, I’m decent.”

He opened the door and found her, and then her phone two minutes later. Rey was shivering. “You okay?” She shook her head. “Cold?”

“Yeah,” He bit his lip, wondering how she would feel about the thing that he was about to suggest to her. If she would be creeped out by it or not. Instead of just suggesting it, he just said, “I can get the extra blankets for you. Stay in here, bundle up.”

“Uh, Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you stay?”

_She wanted that. _

“O-okay,”

“If you want, you don’t have to though.”

“N-no, I’m cold too.” He felt the other side of the bed as Rey laid down, he laid down next. For a minute, he didn’t dare touch her. He was pretty sure that his heart was going to explode, and maybe his brain next. Rey moved a little closer to him.

“Can you put your arms around me?” She asked.

“Okay,” He did. She was cold.

“Holy shit, Ben. You’re like a heater.” He felt like he was going to die when she pressed back into him. “Never let me go.” Ben laughed a little bit.

And then, Rey said, “I’m serious.”

__

One of the curses of having a crush on Rey Johnson was that she always looked good. _Always. _That meant, that when she was trying, anything she did could kill Ben at any second. “Rose and I are going out tonight,” Rey told him. She was wearing a little white dress that really left nothing to the imagination. Ben swallowed, hard. “I’m starting a Kitestring. If I don’t check by eleven and Rose doesn’t either—you need to come get us. My location’s on too.”

“Okay, stay safe. Have fun.” He went back to work, not noticing that Rey’s eyes lingered on him before she went out the door. Rey checked in at eleven, thankfully. The whole time Ben was checking his phone nervously to see if she was okay.

At eleven ten, she called. It was Rose on the other side of the phone though, “Hey Ben. I just wanted to tell you that Rey’s kind of fucked up right now so we’re getting some waffles at Waffle House and then I’ll bring her home. Unless she starts throwing up. Then I’ll save y’all the mess and take her back to mine.”  


“You really don’t have to do that, Rose. I can take—”

“Can you tell Ben he’s really pretty?” He could hear in the background.

“Honey do me a favor and shut up,” Rose said, “sorry about that. Anyways, I’ll talk to you later. Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of her.” It wasn’t until one in the morning that Rey came back home. Rose was there at the door with her. Rey was silent. The way she got when she was going from drunk to tipsy or tipsy to sober.

“Hey,” She yawned.

“Hey,”

“You didn’t have to stay up for me,”

“I just wanted to make sure that you got to bed safely,” The face that she gave him was nearly unreadable, but Rose smiled sympathetically as she handed Rey over to him.

“Thanks for the waffles,” Rey mumbled.

“No problem babe, see you after you recover from your hangover.” Ben mouthed thank you to Rose as she gave him a thumbs up. He turned around.

“You doing okay?”

“Yeah,” She said. “Just…tired.” Rey wasn’t that great at balance when she was tipsy, and Ben could tell that she was still at least tipsy by the time that she tripped over the couch on the way to her room. “Oops.”

“Here, let me help.” He snaked an arm under her and helped her steady herself as she got to her bed, then kicked off her heels and got on her bed. “Night, Rey.” Rey didn’t say anything as he left.

\--

Ben and Rey had a routine for when the other had a hangover, and by the time she woke up there was a trashcan by her bed for her to vomit in, a water bottle at her nightstand, and some apple banana pancakes waiting for her in the fridge with a note telling her that he was sorry but he had an emergency meeting to go to.

**Rey: ** _I didn’t say anything embarrassing to ben did I _

**Rose: ** _not that I witnessed _

_Why_

**Rey: ** _just wanted to make sure_

**Rose: ** _you did cry a lot and then order a vibrator off amazon tho _

**Rey: ** _and why didn’t you stop me_

**Rose: ** _cuz the one you picked has some pretty good reviews so I thought that you would get use out of it _

**Rey: ** _thanks for being a great friend lol_

**Rose: ** _ur welcome :)_

Rey hoped that she at least checked concealed packaging.

**__**

When Ben got home, Rey looked a lot better than the night before. She greeted him with her usual hug and told him thank you for the pancakes he had made her earlier. All of them were gone. “It’s no problem,”

“Still, they were much appreciated.”

“I brought you same Gatorade,” He pressed the plastic bottle into her hand, and she smiled gratefully.

“You’re seriously a life saver,” The rest of the day went by like it normally did. Ben cooked dinner and Rey set the table. Netflix providing white noise in the background. Rey hummed to herself, absent-mindedly smiling to herself. Ben again, found it hard to breathe.

_Just tell her. _

There was no way that Rey would be into him. He didn’t deserve that. “Earth to Ben,” Rey said.

“Huh, what?”

“I was telling you that the timer went off.”

“Oh, shit. Zoned out.”

“Yeah, I know.” She giggled a little and went back to whatever she was doing, and Ben prayed that he could get through the rest of dinner without burning it.


	4. Chapter 4

_It was one of the days where it was back to get out of bed. Ben tried, he really did, but time just seemed to blend together, and an hour turns into the rest of the day and Rey gets home. She knocked on the door lightly and when he told her that she could come in, she does. “I ordered Thai,” She said, “you need to get up.” _

_“I’m not hungry,” _

_“Okay,” She said, “you still need to get up. Please.” The look she gives him is concerned, and just so she doesn’t worry, he does. All of his muscles are clenched together, and he feels like he’s gone to hell. _

_“Fuck,” _

_“You okay?” _

_“Back hurts,” _

_“Do you want a massage?” She asked him. _

_“Um,” He tried to move again and felt his muscles lock up. “Yeah,” Rey smiled at him sadly. “Sorry. I know I was supposed to cook tonight,” _

_“Like I said, I ordered Thai. Had a feeling that you were feeling bad today,” _

_“Sorry,” She got on the bed and scooted behind him. _

_“Ben, it’s okay. It’s seriously fine.” _

_“Okay,” It wasn’t the first time that Ben had needed Rey to word a knot out of her back and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Rey was good with her hands. Ben tried not to think about that too much. _

_“You want to talk about it?” _

_“There’s not much to talk about,” _

_“Just one of those days?” She found the main knot in his back. Ben grimaced, exhaling loudly. _

_“Yeah,” Rey was quiet as she methodically worked at Ben’s back. It was fifteen minutes until Ben’s back felt better. _

_“Go to the bathroom,” She said, “I’ll set the food up.” _

_“Thank you,” _

_“No need to thank me, Ben.” _

__

There were some days where Rey just felt like crap, but she still got out of bed. Today was one of those days where she just felt dead. She didn’t remember anything that happened that day. Just knew that she punched in, punched out, and came home. She wasn’t even sure that she remembered eating that day. The only time her brain turned on was when the second time that the apartment door swung open.

Rey popped up over the couch, “Ben!” Clambering over the sofa, she met him at the door and embraced him as tightly as possible.

“Hey,”

“How was your day?”

“Boring as hell. Just wanted to come home to you the entire time.” Rey couldn’t help but smile when he said that.

“Guess we had the same kind of day,” Rey said, “I was just waiting to see you.”

“Yeah?” A small smile crossed his lips and Rey wondered how someone could be so painfully beautiful and not even know it.

“Yeah,”

“Guess we had the same kind of day,” Rey said.

“Well, I’m gonna cook dinner and then we can do something together if you want.”

“I would love that,”

__

Rey was hilariously competitive. Ben loved that about her because it meant any normal game lasted longer than it should because of how long it would normally take with anyone else. They were currently into one of the most intense game of Scrabble that Ben had ever been in. Ben won. By one point. 

Rey won Monopoly, Battleship, and Checkers. Ben won a game of chess and then they retired to the couch, putting on season one of the Witcher and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

__

_They ate dinner in silence when Ben started talking. “I don’t know what’s wrong with my brain,” Rey stopped eating. _

_“What makes you think that there’s something wrong with your brain?” She didn’t sound judgmental. Just like she wanted to listen. Ben wasn’t used to it. _

_“Just. A lot. I don’t know how to put it in words.” _

_“Try, doesn’t have to be perfect. Just try.” _

__

Ben could feel it when Rey felt wrong. He wasn’t sure if it was just because he had been around her so much or what, but he knew there was something that she wasn’t telling him. That morning he woke up, made Rey’s favorite apple cinnamon pancakes with a light dusting of powered sugar.

It always bugged him when the pancakes he made didn’t come out close to perfectly circular, but he stacked them in a way that the conformity looked better on the plate. Rey woke up that morning with a smile on her face and then Ben asking if he could braid her hair before she went into work.

She said yes.

It was the little moments. The moments where Rey would smile with both her mouth and her eyes and he could see that she was actually happy. “Have I told you that I love your hair?” He said. He decided that he would go with a simple French braid today.

“My hair isn’t as great as yours,”

“No, it’s better.” He said. Rey continued to disagree as Ben worked. At some point the talking stopped but the silence wasn’t awkward. Rey started singing little parts of _All I’ve Ever Known from Hadestown _to herself.

Out of all of the things that Ben Solo loved about Rey, he loved her singing. He remembered when Rey told him that she had been in theatre, choir, and art and while art was her passion she loved to sing. She loved Broadway and she loved stories. Especially ones like Hadestown, romances that always ended in tragedy.

_“I was alone so long, I didn't even know that I was lonely, Out in the cold so long, I didn't even know that I was cold, Turned my collar to the wind, This is how it's always been.” _

Ben wanted to hold her so bad. He loved her singing but there was something about that song that made him want to cry. When he was done with the braid he tied it off, wishing that he could stay there forever. “There.” He said. He fiddled with his glasses a bit when Rey turned around.

“Thanks.” She said. She got up, hugged him and said, “I love you, Ben.”

“Love you too,” If only she knew how much.

__

_“It’s a lot,” He said, “like everything feels like a chore to do and it’s hard to get out of bed.” He played with his food a little. “My brain makes everything a momentous occasion but won’t let me concentrate on things unless it’ll give me extreme anxiety. The only time I’m really happy is when I’m with you. Every other time I feel like if I don’t put myself on autopilot, I’m going to have a mental breakdown and I can’t pick up social cues for shit.” _

_Rey listened to him talk for a while. He was pretty sure the Thai food he was picking at would need to be heated up again. When he was done, Rey sighed. “Can I tell you a something?” He glanced up at her. _

_“What?” _

_“Your thoughts are completely valid,” She said, “in some respects. I think you need to change your phrasing on some things. Like I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you for one, but I get wanting to change those things, I get feeling those things.” She offered him a smile and said, “There is nothing wrong with you, Ben. Okay? You as a person are great. You are kind and smart and funny and my favorite person, but if you want to go to a doctor, if you want to find a therapist, I support that. I support anything that makes you happy.” _

_She went with him the day that he was diagnosed with ADHD and clinical depression. _

__

Rey came home in a better mood than she had been for the last two days, but she was still feeling weird. And then she saw an Amazon box waiting for her. Oh god. She remembered what Rose told her she had done when she was drunk. She didn’t want to open it and see what she bought but she wanted to make sure that Ben didn’t see it first, so she picked it up and took it inside the apartment, closing her bedroom doorway to look at what she had brought. She wasn’t sure she was ready for what she found.

**Rey: _rose help_**

**Rose: _?????_?**

**Rey: _That thing that I brought when I was drunk_**

** _I don’t know know what it is _ **

**Rose: oh hun **

**Rey: _it’s not funny I haven’t had a vibrator in years and it doesn’t look like one_**

** _Help_ **

** **

“Hey, Rey. Didn’t hear you come home.” Ben called.

“Yeah, sorry! I’ll be out in a minute, just need to change.”

“’Kay,”

**Rose: _oh my sweet summer child_**

** _What you have is the holy grail of sex toys_ **

** _It’s a Clitoral Sucking thing _ **

** _It has over one thousand great reviews on Amazon_ **

**Rey: _idk how to use it_**

**Rose: _that is what tutorials are for _**

** _Also_ **

** _Don’t use it when ben’s in the apartment_ **

** _Drink water_ **

** _And stretch_ **

** _A lot_ **

Rey ended up putting it in the back of her dresser, still not sure if she was ever going to use the thing that she had brought when she was drunk. She almost went outside before remembering she told Ben that she was going to change, changing, and going back outside.

“Hey,”

“Hey,”

**Rose: _srsly its good you’ll love it_**

** **

** _Just don’t use it when ben’s around_ **

** **

** _Or do_ **

** **

** _And scream his name_ **

** **

** _Bc then he’ll know you like him and you’ll get the best fuck of your lifetime_ **

** **

**Rey: _you’re lucky that murder is illegal _**

** **

**Rose: ** ** _😊 I still say you tell him_ **

** **

** _He’s literally only interested in you_ **

** **

**Rey: _I really find that hard to believe but okay_**

** **

“How’s your day?”

“Better,” Rey said. She still had her hair in the braid he had put it in. “Exhausting though. You?”

“Yeah same,” She gave him a hug. God, she wished that she could just stay here forever.

“Thanks for making me feel better earlier,” She told him, “I really appreciated it.”

“It was no problem,” He told her. “I hate seeing you feel bad,”


	5. Go To Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slight NSFW: Masturbation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what this chapter is? A mess, definitely

That toy was burning a hole in Rey’s dresser. She tried her best not to think about it, just go to work, hang out with her friends and then go to bed. Rinse. Repeat. It wasn’t working though. Everyday she would come home to Ben and remember that he was not in to her in the slightest, suffer through that, and then remember that one time that she saw him shirtless when he was working out and she was _way too horny. _That was probably why when she had a day off and Ben had to go to work, she charged the toy up, brought some lube, and did what Rose told her to. Stretch, drink water. She remembered going back through Amazon and getting excited.

_ [  
Express7976](https://www.amazon.com/gp/profile/amzn1.account.AE6YIK35NEUO6PMWISY7NRKS26NA/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_gw_tr?ie=UTF8) _

_ [5.0 out of 5 stars](https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R2FDFNHRXG9Y44/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B07GZL12ZG) [ Wow, just....wow.](https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R2FDFNHRXG9Y44/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B07GZL12ZG) _

_Reviewed in the United States on April 11, 2019_

_Color: Pink Verified Purchase_

_Having read everyone's reviews, i had high expectations, but with the price being under 50 dollars, i wasnt exactly going to be shocked if it was mediocre. A few friends of mine bought it recently, and told me of its power. I was warned to take the day off, hydrate, and above all do some stretches. I thought they were being such drama queens.  
  
It was delivered within 2 days of ordering, so it's already off to a good start. Opening the very discreet box, instructions say 2.5 hour charge time. Not too bad, i plug this lil bad boy in. While the kids are at school waiting for it to charge, killing time reading some erotica my friend and fellow queenie, recommended because i don't have time to screw around waiting to get into "the mood". I have to get the kids in a few hours and i need to be ready to go when this thing is done charging. Tik tok b!tch, tik tok welcome to motherhood. "Patiently waiting" me is checking to see if the light has stopped blinking every 10 minutes like a crackhead waiting for his dealer.. After only and hour and a half, solid pink light.  
  
Game on.  
  
I played with the settings on my hand to test this fine machinery out.The vibration for the g spot part is quite strong, i was impressed with with that even before use. Next was suction. So many levels it was interesting to see the different patterns and strength. There are 10 levels for clitoral and 10 patterns for g spot.I've never used a clit suction type stimulator, so i have nothing to compare it to, but looked forward to it none the less.  
  
Time to solo party.  
  
I found placement for the clit a bit low for my body shape, it took me a few min to get everything where it needed to be. That was a bit time consuming and slightly fustrating. But as with any new toy, its trial and error. I started the clit one on low, which i barely even felt. Unbeknownst to me it wasn't lined up 100% ,So, me being me, i decide to go from zero to 60 in 3.5. I hit the suction button setting to level 5 or 6 and hit the g spot button as well. And made a minor adjustment on suction placement.At least i think that's what happened, Because I'm pretty sure i blacked out,  
  
My legs went straight out like those goats who faint when scared… _

_She really needed that right now. Like, bad. _

_ [  
Cloud D.](https://www.amazon.com/gp/profile/amzn1.account.AHV5KRQ6OXXYEUMKZEOMBENVDSJA/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_gw_tr?ie=UTF8) _

_ [5.0 out of 5 stars](https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R12I95ER639IJC/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B07GZL12ZG) [ Died, Resurrected, Died Again](https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R12I95ER639IJC/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B07GZL12ZG) _

_Reviewed in the United States on January 8, 2019_

_Color: Purple Verified Purchase_

_This is a weapon. It cured my depression, I don’t go to therapy anymore. I was walking from side to side after I finished using this thing, you’ll feel like you just had your best dick appointment ever. Trust me. Best believe you will never see me frown ever again. My life has completely changed. Have a blessed day._

_ [  
Bwal](https://www.amazon.com/gp/profile/amzn1.account.AE62MNUPXNVDIUGS5VRAABKJNY7A/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_gw_tr?ie=UTF8) _

_ [5.0 out of 5 stars](https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/RBSL6R8IXR2FY/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B07GZL12ZG) [ Dear God.](https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/RBSL6R8IXR2FY/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B07GZL12ZG) _

_Reviewed in the United States on April 20, 2019_

_Color: PurpleVerified Purchase_

_I'm dead. I died and I'm never leaving my house again. By far the best sex toy I've ever used and I've used a LOT of sex toys. I'd pay $300 for this. Easy. Mind blowing doesn't begin to touch it. They didn't ask me to review the product. I mean, I don't know if they did. I got it out of the box an hour ago and now I'm just laying here like a crazy person who doesn't want to tell all her Facebook friends about this CREATION but I need you all to know. LADIES! DEAR GOD BUY THIS AND YOU'RE WELCOME.  
Warning: start slow. I'm not kidding. I'm not over sensitive at all and level 4 can be too much. Whatever, you know what? Do what you want. You'll figure it out when you start to hear colors._

Time for her to get in the mood. Once she was sure that the toy had charged enough, she put on her playlist and laid down.

_Tips for my sisters-_ _  
  
Angle it right. Do not try to insert/use it at a straight angle.  
Laying down is nice obviously, but last night I rode it while sitting on a chair doing homework. Best its felt so far.  
Setting 2-3 for clitoral sucking feels best, unless you have a super clit.  
The last 2 settings for the vibrator is best for cumming.  
Setting 1 for both clitoral sucking and vibrating is best to get your engine started._

Cyber Sex by Doja Cat started playing as she stared at the toy in her hand. “I can do this,” She told herself. She’d had vibrators before, this was just a slightly scarier looking version of one. It took a little bit to actually get the G-Spot vibrator part in, but the lube helped. Then she turned it on. The first setting was average, she’d felt that before. Then she remembered that tip and angled it to the right more, fiddled with the setting and _holy shit _that was nice. “_I wanna touch on you, You see me in my room, Wish you were here right now, All of the things I'd do…” _

Still it was nowhere near what she had seen from the first review. She still had the clitoral sucking bit that she had to try. She built up to that, working with just the vibrator a little more before building up the courage to try the other thing.

That took a little more to adjust.

She fumbled with the setting a little bit more and barely felt anything when it came on. It probably wasn’t smart to go from the first setting to the last setting considering she had never tried one of these before but that’s what she did, momentarily whiting out and feeling her legs go out from under her. When she came back down she was still shaking a little bit, it took another minute for her to get the toy out of her.

“Fuck,” Her throat felt dry and she still couldn’t really think. All she knew was that was exactly what she needed.

**Rey: drunk me was a genius**

**Rose: okay that’s kind of tmi but yes,,, drunk you makes the best decisions 50% of the time**

It took Rey five more minutes before she could get up and walk again, and she realized that she must not have stretched enough because her hip hurt. Whatever. That was worth it.

She was going to have to leave a good review.

__

When Ben came home Rey was glowing, and he had no idea why, but she was happy so that was nice. She met him at the door with a hug. “Hey,”

“Hey,”

She pulled away and her eyes lingered a little longer than they usually did. That was probably just Ben’s imagination though. “How was your day?” He asked.

“It was really good,” She said, “got some stuff done. Slept way longer than I should’ve.” He could see the pile of sheets that had just come out of the dryer sitting on the couch in a laundry basket. “How was your day?”

“Boring,” He said, “stressful. You want to go see a movie?”

“Sure,” She said, “you know what’s out?”

“No,” He said, “I thought we could just go and see what’s there.”

“I would love that.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for splintered-souls <3

Ben didn’t focus on the movie. The whole time he was just focused on the fact that Rey was holding his hand and caressing it with her thumb. Once the movie was done, the two of them left the theatre. Rey was giggling and talking about the movie. Ben just added a ‘yeah’ or ‘uh huh’ when he thought it was appropriate. God, he felt so stupid. Rey was so beautiful, almost impossibly so. It hurt so much—Ben ended up tripping over the edge of the sidewalk as he stepped off it and nearly ended up colliding with the pavement. “Oh my god, are you okay?” Rey turned around, very shocked about the fact that he nearly just took a nosedive.

“Yeah—yeah.”

“Be careful,” She grabbed his hand again as they started heading towards the car.

“Yeah, I’m just really clumsy.”

“I know, it’s pretty cute.” She giggled. Ben’s ears were tinging pink, and he was glad looking the other way as he started blushing. Hard.

__

Ben hated going to work. Hated anything that involved being away from Rey or her friends. Things were easier when he was around them because they actually liked him and didn’t think he was utterly stupid like Snoke or Hux or literally anyone else within the business. Sometimes, he had to remember why he still worked here. The money was good, he was good at his job and he didn’t need to socialize at all. Ben was great with numbers, analyzing things. He was one of the top stock analysists with his company, and also did spare accounting jobs in the meantime that basically should’ve have gotten him a raise but didn’t.

He was one of Snoke’s best employees.

That wasn’t enough, though.

Snoke had screamed at him for the fifth time today and Ben was going to pick up his computer and throw it out the sixth story window if he doesn’t get some peace and quiet for the day. When Snoke left, his personal phone pinged.

**Rey: **

_On lunch break_

_[picture sent] _

_[picture sent] _

The first two pictures were pictures of cats sitting in boxes that they don’t fit in.

_[picture sent] _

_[picture sent] _

The other two were pictures of puppies. Ben’s frown wavered.

_Had a karen come in today and had a hissy fit when I charged her for tires_

_Im fuckken exhausted_

_U? _

**Ben: ** _lmfao end me_

_Keep the pictures of the dogs coming_

**Rey: ** _I got it_

_[picture sent] _

_[picture sent] _

_[picture sent] _

**Ben: ** _ur my savior_

Ben scrolled through about ten more pictures before he got back to work, already wanting to go home.

__

When Ben got home, he was exhausted. Rey could see it in his eyes. “You’re tense,” She said as soon as she hugged him.

“Is it that bad?”

“Yeah,” She nodded. He grimaced and came in, putting his stuff down. He could feel Rey’s eyes on him as he sighed, going to go sit down. “Are you okay?”

“Tough day,”

“You should quit your job,” Ben only laughed half-heartedly. He was too tired to fight about it tonight, and Rey could sense that. She stopped pushing. “I just got home,” She said, “so I haven’t made dinner yet. But is there something you want?”

“You can just order something from Firehouse Subs and I’ll go down there to pick it up,”

“No, you’re tired. I’m tired. I’ll just get UberEats to deliver it.” And she did, once she was done ordering she sat down next to Ben. “You should turn around.”

“Mm?”

“Let me massage your back,”

“You don’t have to,”

“You’re not going to sleep tonight with a knot in your back,” Rey sighed, giving him a look until he turned around and let her massage him. “Want to talk about work?”

__

“Not really,” He grunted a little. Rey had always had a knack for finding the source of Ben’s pain and finding it fast. “It was more of the same. Snoke being a dick, making sure I’m as stressed as possible.”

“I fucking hate that guy,”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Sometimes, he just needs someone to ‘ok boomer’ him.” Rey said.

“I don’t think he would understand the phrase,” Ben snorted, “he’s such a boomer that he doesn’t even know the difference between making a Internet Explorer and Google Chrome.” The mood started to lighten as Rey worked as his knots more. Rey liked these moments, where she had a chance to touch him in a way that she normally didn’t get to. She loved it.

Ben squirmed a little under her touch, and Rey thought it was so cute. She almost lost track of time when the UberEats knocked on the door and she remembered the fact that she was starving. “Oh thank fuck,” She said, “I can finish your massage later.”

“Oh, that’s fine. That actually helped a lot.” He got up and went to pay, even though Rey had said she wanted to. She got after him for that, and he just told her to consider the massage as payment. Rey rolled her eyes as the two of them set the table and dug into her meal. Ben must’ve been hungry too, because the both of them had finished their meals in twenty minutes of silence, just digging in without much attention to anything else.

They both ended up on the couch, entangled in each other and watching Netflix.

__

Ben had a thing for Rey’s tattoos. He always did. She almost had a full sleeve and a half sleeve on both arms, plus a few on her legs, and they were all these super artistic pieces dealing with nature or something that Rey designed. His fingers ended up tracing the one of a wolf on her leg a lot of the time, as he did now. It was always an absent minded thing he did but Rey never seemed to mind.

He found himself doing it again. He thought that he should stop, for a second, but when he did Rey gave him a look that he wasn’t sure how to interpret. So he started doing it again and Rey went back to watching TV and falling asleep on him. Part of him wanted to just say now, that he loved her. She looked so pretty like this and it made his heart hurt.

So bad.

He hated it so much.

But what would be worse than that? If Ben told her and she didn’t feel the same way, because if she didn’t, Ben didn’t know what he would do with himself. She was his first friend and he couldn’t lose that. He would utterly fuck it up if he did that.

“Are you okay?” Rey asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“You’re thinking very, very loudly.” She told him. Rey shifted.

“I’m fine,” He told her, “just tired.”

“Okay,” She said. “We can just go to bed.”

“I’d just like to stay here, with you if that's okay.”

"Sure," She burrowed herself back into him. 


	7. Chapter 7

Rey wished that she had waited before coming home. Because now, Ben was working out and she had walked in on him with his shirt off. It was really hard to not look, but she knew that he got self-conscious about that sort of thing so she went to her room almost immediately after saying hello to him. “Where you going?”

“Gonna take a nap,” Rey said. She was feeling the need to masturbate if she was being honest—but she wouldn’t tell Ben that. She couldn’t use her vibrator right now either, because he would most definitely hear her. Great. This sucked. Nap it was.

The nap didn’t help much, but when she got up Ben had his shirt on and he was starting dinner. “How was your day?” He asked her.

“Eh,” She said, “I’m so fucking tired.” Rey came over to him to and gave him a hug from behind. He stopped chopping vegetables and turned around so that he could hug her better. “God, I love your hugs so much.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

She could tell him right now. Tell him that she had feelings for him. “Ben,”

“Yeah?”

I love you.

“What are you cooking?” Fuck.

“Oh,” She forced herself to stop hugging him. “I’m making a roast.”

“Ah, nice. Need any help.”

“No,” Ben told her. “I got it. Just sit back and relax.” Rey nodded and asked if he had any interest in watching Spinning Out on Netflix. He said no, and Rey went to the couch. Ready to binge the entire season. Ben ended up finishing the roast and waiting for it to cool off and watching the season with her. She had to remind him that they had dinner and they needed to eat it before it went cold.

They finished the season by midnight that night, and then just stayed up longer to talk to each other. Ben was talking about how stressful work is and how sometimes he wished he could just quit. “Why don’t you?” Rey asked. “Just quit, I mean. Why don’t you just quit?”

“No one else is going to hire me, I quit and Snoke will blacklist me from all the jobs in my field in the area.”

“Does he really have that type of power?” Rey asked him.

Ben nodded. Rey grimaced. “It doesn’t matter, though. He’s old and will probably die of a heart attack soon. It will be okay.”

“That’s a good attitude to have,” Rey said. There wasn’t much else to be said, except to let him talk and feel better. Ben talked about how he wished that he could find another therapist that clicked with them like the one Rey had helped him find when they were just starting to become friends. “I can help you find another therapist,” Rey told him, “but it’s a process. Therapists are hard to find. Is there anything—anything happening that you want to tell me about?”

He swallowed and Rey could see him staring at anything but her, the space behind her. “Ben?”

“Yeah,”

“You know that I’m here for you right? You can tell me anything.” There was something stuck in the pit of her stomach. She was worried about him. She was always worried about him, but this felt different. This felt so awful. He smiled a little and nodded. There was something that he wasn’t telling her and it was so obvious that she could see it. She wanted to know. Wanted to make it right.

“It’ll be fine,” He told her, “you really don’t have to worry about me.”

“I’ll always worry about you,” She said, “I love you, Ben. Of course I’m going to worry about you.” She just said it without thinking, and he didn’t even react. Rey’s heart broke a little bit, but she didn’t let him see that. She pulled him in for a hug before he could. “You need to tell me what’s going on, whenever you feel bad. That’s what friends are for, okay?”

Closing her eyes, she wondered just how much of a hurt heart she could take. Wondered if she was going to die alone, vying for attention from someone who probably would never give it to her. Maybe he just wasn’t attracted to her?

She needed to download Tinder and just get over him. Find a guy that would be a nice fuck and just get it out of her system.

How could you get Ben Solo out of your head? Especially when he was the only boy that has ever been in her head in the first place.

This was torture. “Sorry for dumping all of that shit on you,” He said. “It’s dumb. It’s really dumb.”

Rey pulled away from him again. “Ben, your feelings are not dumb.”

__

_There were sometimes where it was hard for Ben to get out of bed. It was the one week where he could take off of work without Snoke getting incredibly mad at him, so he stayed and did nothing. It was before Rey and Ben had started living together but were really starting to become close friends. After three days of no contact Rey called him. Ben answered the call, “How are you doing?” Was the first thing that she asked. _

_“I’m doing,” He sighed. _

_“Haven’t heard from you at all in three days. Have been trying to text you for a bit.” _

_“Sorry,” _

_“It’s fine,” Rey said, “I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay. So are you okay?” Ben didn’t really want to answer that. _

_“It’s stupid,” Ben said. _

_“Ben, your feelings aren’t stupid, what’s wrong?” _

_“It’s hard to get out of bed.” _

_“mm,” She said. Ben hoped that she wasn’t judging him too bad right now. She probably was, wondering what kind of man couldn’t take care of himself properly. “I need you to get up,” She told her. Her voice was soft but still caring. “You can take it a little bit at a time, but go to the sink in your bathroom and wash your face off. If you want to go back to bed after that, get back in bed. If you feel like you can do more, find something in your fridge and eat it.” _

_“Okay,” _

_“I’ll be over in a few hours, okay? We can hang out.” _

_“Thank you, Rey.” _

_“No problem, Ben.” _

__

“You know you’re not alone, right?”

Ben nodded, “Neither are you.”


	8. furious at you for making me feel this way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But if you're single that's honestly worse  
'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurts  
(Honey, it hurts)  
Ocean blue eyes looking in mine  
I feel like I might sink and drown and die"

Rey was feeling weird. She didn’t really know how to explain it. She wasn’t exactly sad but not happy either. She just felt off. This offness just set her on autopilot for the rest of the day until she got home. She poured herself a glass of wine and sat down at the dinner table with her sketchbook and some pencils and just drew. Her sketchbook was littered with pictures of Ben, everything that she liked about him. She had memorized all the details about him.

Part of her wanted to draw him again but she decided that with how she was feeling, it wasn’t great to do that right now. So she drank and she sketched, she didn’t remember filling out the rest of her sketchbook but she did. It was probably all shit. She wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what it was, just shit.

**Ben: ** _hey_

**Ben: ** _u ok_

**Rey: ** _lonely_

**Ben: ** _omw home_

He wasn’t lying when he said that he was on his way home. Rey opened the door to him about ten minutes later. “Got here just before the rain,” He smiled at her and Rey found herself wanting to kiss him again. Would she never not be this hopeless? “You okay?” Rey just pulled him in for a hug. “Woah.”

“Sorry,”

“No, no. It’s okay.”

“A little tipsy, but not drunk. Just want to cuddle.”

“That’s understandable,” That’s when the rain started, and Rey could hear thunder right over the apartment complex. She stiffened against him. “Hey, it’s okay.” He shuffled in while she was still holding him, dropped his laptop bag by the side of the door and lifted her up off the floor. She yelped a little bit but it didn’t take much for them to be on the couch with Rey laying down on him.

“This is good,”

“Yeah, it is.” It was easy to forget this way, that Ben didn’t like her in the way that she had always hoped that he would. “Can you hand me my phone, it’s on the—” He handed it to her before she could finish her sentence. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” He sounded happy like this, with her in his lap. It was stuff like this that gave her hope—even though he never reacted to any of her attempts to tell him how much she really liked him—that he might reciprocate those feelings of hers. She put her earbuds in and put on her playlist. That specific one that she always played when she was pining for Ben a little too much.

All of it mostly consisted of Taylor Swift.

Cruel Summer seemed to be a favorite for her lately.

_Killing me slow, out the window  
I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below  
Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes  
What doesn't kill me makes me want you more_

Rey really wanted him.

Like, really bad.

__

“Wait, so you’re telling me that she cried on your shoulder about not wanting to die alone and you just didn’t tell her that you liked her?”

“A), you make it sound like trying to capitalize off of someone’s slightly tipsy mental break down and make it about me is an okay thing to do. B) I keep telling you that Rey is the type of person to say when she wants something or someone, so it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t like me like that.” Rose rolled her eyes when he said that.

“Did you seriously just mansplain my best friend to me?”

“No, I—”

“Rey has had a crush on you for the longest ass time ever, you need to ask her out! Before someone else does!”

“I didn’t come to you for this talk again, I just want to make sure that she’s doing okay and to drop off some lunch for her.” Ben was starting to get frustrated. He had to go back to work, anyways. He was getting frustrated.

“You two act like an old married couple and can’t even see it,” Rose took the lunch from him. “She’s out working on a car right now, so I’ll just give it to her.”

“Thank you, Rose. Seriously.”

“Yeah, yeah. I still think that you need to ask her out. She’s like two seconds from downloading Tinder again.”

__

And download Tinder, Rey did.

She could take a hint. Ben didn’t like her, so she just needed to get laid and get it out of the way. Except none of the men that she swiped through were Ben. _You’re not looking to marry one of these guys, you just need to fuck them and move on with your life. _She had made sure that people knew that she wasn’t in it for the long game, just a casual thing.

She also wasn’t going to put out for any guy that wasn’t willing to eat her out. She had decided that after her bed post of exactly two lays that wouldn’t do that for her, she was just going to stop letting men get in her pants if they weren’t willing to reciprocate.

It weeded out the weak.

Some of these men wanted to just have her come over and do that, but she said no to them each time. She needed to meet in a public place first. She preferred not to get murdered. She was looking through profiles one time when Ben was home.

“What’re you doing?”

She didn’t lie.

“Looking through Tinder,”

Odd silence.

“Oh,”

_Please be jealous? _

“Yeah, I’m trying to find a guy who doesn’t look like he takes his dates to high end restaurants and then ditches them during the middle of the date.”

“And how can you tell that with just some pictures and a little bit of a profile?” Rey looked up at him and she had no idea what exactly was up with him, but she could tell that there was something that he wasn’t telling her.

“You sound like such a boomer right now, but guys give off that sort of vibe. It’s just a sort of thing that you have to get good at.”

“Do I give off that sort of vibe?” Rey raised an eyebrow when he said that.

“No,” She said, “you give off that sort of hot librarian who’s too shy for his own good but has great hair vibe.” This was good. She could get over him. She was so close to getting over him. She’d be happier after this and wouldn’t have to deal with the tension for much longer. She went back to swiping. “God, some of the men here have such pretentious nice guy profiles. Like the kind that only want a baby maker and not an actual person with feelings.” But she wasn’t really looking for that.

“Why are you on there if guys are like that?” The episode of Sugar Rush that was playing was going ignored in the background.

“I need a good dicking down,”

He made a face. Was the thought of sexual stuff involving her really so gross to him? “A—”

“Yeah, it’s been a while. I need to get back out there, anyways. Don’t like the constant looming feeling of going to die alone that I’ve been having lately so—yeah,” He pressed his lips together and Rey could tell he wanted to say something but he didn’t. Rey wanted him to say something. To tell her that he didn’t want this to happen. To tell her that he didn’t want her to do that.

Anything.

Anything and she would have stayed. She didn’t get that from him though, so she shut up about Tinder for the evening but she kept looking.

She needed to forget Ben.

__

Rey matched to about five different guys by the time she was done with her shift at the tattoo parlor.

**Rey: ** _I need help for dates_

**Rose: ** _w/ Ben!!!!!!!_

**Rey: ** _no_

**Rose: ** _oh _

_Im sorry_

_Well yeah I can help_

**Rey: ** _why do u sound so disappointed_

**Rose: ** _I just know how much u like him so :// I was hoping that he’d say smth_

**Rey: ** _I told u he doesn’t like me, its ok tho bc hes still my friend_


	9. the drought was the very worst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u want signs? how abt all the signs

_When Ben first got diagnosed with depression and ADHD, a lot of things made sense that hadn’t before. Why it was hard to feel motivated to do anything, his low frustration tolerance, his restlessness. It all made sense and made him feel a little less useless, now that he knew that there was a reason that he was this way. And Rey was there. She was always more stable and solid than him, able to really tell when he needed her and to just be there. _

_He always felt really bad that he wasn’t able to provide the same thing for Rey. He really wanted to, and he really tried. Sometimes it felt like he was too much to handle, though. And he really wanted to make sure that he wasn’t just using Rey for mental therapy. _

_They were friends, and Ben loved her. She didn’t deserve that. _

____

Ben really wished that he didn’t have to go to work today. He wished he could go home and tell Rey exactly what he thought about her, but that was something that he knew that he couldn’t do. If only because of something that was mentally blocking him from doing so. Maybe his self-preservation going into overtime. Still, he couldn’t think about the fact that in about two hours, Rey was going to be getting ready for her date. Someone else was going to be going on a date with Rey, and what if they clicked and Rey moved out and he lost his first and only best friend?

He felt like he was spiraling in his office again, and the fourth cup of coffee that he had had today was not helping him at all in this instance. His phone dinged, and he was hoping to god that it wasn’t Rose again.

This time, it was Rey.

Great.

He just had to get through the rest of this night without going insane, which was a lot harder than it sounded. It started at exactly four thirty. The yelling, Snoke calling Ben incompetent and asking for a report that should’ve been on his desk and hour ago that no one had told Ben about, and Ben was sure because he had triple checked his email.

It didn’t take him long to put it together and get it on Snoke’s desk. But that wasn’t the end of it, Snoke berated him more before he could get out of the room, and Ben just couldn’t handle it. He kept it together while he was in the room, but by the time he reached his office, he felt like he was going to throw up. Really, what was the point to anything anymore?

He needed to get out of here. His sight was narrowing, and he really didn’t remember texting his mother, but apparently he did.

Rey went on her date for about twenty minutes, and then the man she had met up with had mentioned he was a Republican. Strike one. Strike Two, he forgot her name. And the rest of the twenty minutes he talked only about him. Then, she asked for her part of the check and left. She didn’t want to have to deal with an asshole for that. And then Leia called her.

“Hey, Rey. I’m so sorry if I’m interrupting you right now, but I think that Ben’s having a panic attack and he wanted me to pick him up but I’m out of town.”

“Oh my god, do you know if he’s okay?”

“He sounded like he’s pretty stressed out,” Leia said, “he’s still at work and said that he can’t drive home right now.”

“Shit, okay. Okay. He’s probably still in his office. My phone’s almost dead, could you text him that I’ll be there in about twenty to thirty minutes?”

“Yes. And I am so sorry that I am interrupting your date—”

“Don’t be, I already walked out on him. He was an asshole.”

__

Ben wished that he could disappear right now. Or just curl up in a ball and die. This should not be happening. Rey should not be screaming with the receptionist at the front desk that she needs to see him, and she should really not be here. Ben came out of his office and rounded the corner. “Don’t call security Mitaka,” He said. Rey’s eyes widened when she saw him. He probably looked like shit. “What are you doing here?”

“Your mom called me,”

“But your—”

“My date was an asshole, now get your stuff. We’re leaving and getting ice cream.” He went back to grab his phone and followed her into the elevator. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to actually take her in. She was wearing a tight green dress that was off the shoulder and showed off her tattoos, and she looked so pretty. It could’ve been lethal.

“Are you sure your date was an asshole?”

“He voted for Trump,”

“Okay, yeah. I guess he was an asshole then,” Rey took a step closer to him. “Can you brace me for a second? I fucking hate heels.” He did, watching as she took off her shoes and proceeded to go barefoot against the cold linoleum floor.

“Thank you,”

She gave him this look that he had no idea how to read. He just felt so embarrassed, and he was pretty sure that Rey knew that too. “No need,” She said. “Now come on, I got an Uber here so give me your keys and I’ll drive.”

“Okay.”

__

Eating ice cream and driving around with no idea where they were going to end up was something that rarely ever happened, but every time it did it was so cathartic. For a while, it was just music softly washing over the both of them and Ben feeling like he was fucking exhausted. He was pretty sure that he had fallen asleep at two different points into the drive, and Rey filled up his gas tank once.

They ended up out near a park, next to a lake with the moon hanging high above it. Rey patted him on his shoulder. “Are you awake?” He nodded and sat more upright.

“What are we doing here?”

“I was wondering—if you wanted to watch the stars with me.” Something in Ben’s heart skipped a beat and he said Yes, but the word just seemed like an echo in his ears. They went up to the roof of his car, Ben having to lift Rey up a little bit for her to get there.

The both of them laid down on the roof of the car, and Ben was really aware of the fact that Rey was so close to him. A chill breeze softly blew through them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Ben stared up at a sky full of stars, just counting them. There was still music coming from inside the car.

_We were in the backseat_ _  
Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar  
"I rent a place on Cornelia Street"  
I say casually in the car_

“Thank you,” Ben said, “for coming to get me.”

“I’ll always come to get you,” Rey said. “You know that right?” Ben bit his lip, staring at her. There was some sort of glint in her eyes that made them look like they were on fire, even in the dark. “You’re so fucking important to me.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why.”

_We were a fresh page on the desk_ _  
Filling in the blanks as we go  
As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead  
Leading us home_

“Oh my god, Ben. Don’t make me start. I will actually fight you,”

“Okay,”

“Are you serious?”

“What?”

“You really don’t know,”

“Sometimes, no.” That’s just the way his brain worked. It took a lot for him to find self worth, and he knew that it was annoying and draining, and he really tried to make sure that he didn’t dump that stuff on other people. He really didn’t want to be toxic like that—but it could get hard.

_And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends_ _  
I'd never walk Cornelia Street again  
That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend  
I'd never walk Cornelia Street again_

“Well,” Rey said, “I guess that I’m going to have to tell you—again.” He could hear an audible eyeroll in that.

“Sorry,”

“No, stop it. Don’t be.” She took in a deep breath before she said. “I really, really, really like you Ben. Like—I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much you have done for me. Before you—yeah I had friends. But no one who really understood what it was like to feel so fucking lonely all the time. You made me feel not lonely, and you were nice and supportive and it’s so hard to find that. You’ve always been so supportive of me that it actually just makes my heart hurt, with how much of a good person you are.”

He could already feel himself crying. He would ask her to stop, but he couldn’t voice it right now. He couldn’t say anything. “You are so deserving of love, not just from other people, but also from yourself. You deserve love from yourself, because you’re so smart and I love your sense of humor and you’re just a beautiful person.” There was something about the way that she said this that was new, it was new. She wasn’t looking at him, but for a second he just stared at her. The both of them shared a silence where it seemed like something had just changed by between them.

_And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name  
And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away  
I'd never walk Cornelia Street again  
I'd never walk Cornelia Street again_

He wanted to ask. He wanted to ask. He should just come out and ask her. Does she feel the same way?

__

** _Five Months Later_ **

** **

Ben had found a better therapist and had been going to her for about three months now, and he already felt better. He was really going through a lot of stuff in his sessions. He knew that he wouldn’t get better immediately, but he already felt comfortable just talking about stuff. This time they started talking about Rey. About his feelings for her and everything.

"Is there any reason that you think you aren't worthy of Rey's love?"

"Sometimes I just feel - useless. I guess. She's so bright and vibrant and knows everything that she wants to do with her life. She has all her shit together and I don't."

"Do you think you might be putting her on a bit of a pedestal?" That was something that he didn’t think he would ever think about.

“I never thought of it,”

“Maybe she’s just as scared as you are. Listen, I don’t know her so I can’t speak to her character, but everyone has a mask. Something that they show everyone. Different versions of themselves. Maybe she’s just showing you this version of herself because she feels like telling you other things will be a burden on you.”

__

To be honest, Rey was drunk. Really drunk. Not drunk enough to black out but drunk enough to do shit like walk home around three in the morning. Luckily it wasn’t cold outside, due to the summer humidity. She ended up texting Ben. Because of course she did.

He was always so nice to her, and Rey just wanted to tell him how much she loved him for it. She loved it so much it hurt – and he just didn’t react. He never reacted. Was she just ugly or something? Was there some reason why he never said anything? Was she that gross?

She wanted to know why he didn’t feel the same. Texting Ben was a bad idea. He ended up calling her. “Oh, hey.” She sniffed. “What’s going on?”

“I did find my Iphone,” He told her, “I’m coming to get you.”

“No, Ben. ‘s fine. Really. I just need some fresh air,” That’s when the rain started to come down.

“I’m coming, it’s raining.”

“Rain’s good. I like rain,”

“You’ll get sick if you don’t go inside, please stay where you are.”

“Mm, no. It’s fine. It’s fine. You’re cute—I’m going to let you go so that my phone doesn’t get wet.” She hung up the phone before he could protest and stuffed it in her clutch as she kept walking. Part of her hoped that the warm summer showers that were coming down right now would come down forever, and she’d be stuck in a gailing storm. It would be a good way to go out.

Really nice. She got fully drenched within a minute.

She didn’t know how long she was walking but she giggled as the water came down, she almost didn’t notice that Ben had parked right next to her and was shouting her name. He had an umbrella and was a little bit wet as well. She turned around. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to get you, come on.”

“Okay,” She stumbled a little and Ben caught her. He was solid and warm and this was good. This was really good. The two of them got in the car and Rey shivered a little, the air conditioning from the car was a little bit sobering. She started to shiver and Ben threw a towel around her shoulders.

“Come on. We’re going to get you home,”

“Thanks,” She said. “My knight in shining armor.”

“Rey, you should stop saying that stuff.” He shivered a little bit.

“Why?” She pouted. “Do you find it gross?”

“No,” He said. “It’s not that I—it’s not that.”

“What do you mean then?”

“How drunk are you right now?”

“Like—I had so many margaritas. All of them. All of them, ‘s so great. Sober me is going to hate me tomorrow. Sober me’s a bitch though,”

“Good to know,” He said, “I um—I have—I—_havelikedyouforareallylongtimeandIcan’tstanditwhenyousaythingslikethatbecauseitalwaysfeelslikealie.” _It was then that Rey passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah,,, reys not gonna remember anything when she wakes up


	10. are we out of the woods?

Rey woke up with the worst hangover she had ever had in her life. Ben was right there, waiting with a trash can when she threw up. Her head felt fuzzy and her brain was barely working. “Fuck,” She spat after she finished. Ben rubbed her back in a way that felt a little too nice to her. Tears started to well in Rey’s eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He told her.

“Can you turn the lights off? Too bright.”

“Yeah,” He got up for a minute, and she regretted it. Regretted the absence of him. He came back a second later but it felt like a life time. There was a moment of silence between them when Rey wanted to ask what happened. What did she do to make a fool of herself?

Except her pride wasn’t letting her do that. Not really.

She just wanted this to end already. “It’s okay,” He said. “I took the day off.”

“I’m fine,”

“I think you and I both know that’s not true,” He was right. He always was.

“Can you hold me? I’m cold.” She said. And he did. Because that was Ben. He’d do anything for her.

__

Rey and Ben decided not to talk about what happened when Rey was drunk. She got a cold immediately after and Ben took care of her. After that, he wasn’t sure what changed, but it seemed that Rey went to work a lot more. She was out when Ben got home and when he had free days, they barely saw each other, except for when she came in dead tired and would hug Ben sleepily before going to her bedroom and falling asleep. He wasn’t sure what it was. He asked Rose and she said that Rey just seemed to get this big burst of motivation and started picking up more shifts at the garage and the tattoo parlor. It was weird, and while Ben obviously didn’t have a problem with Rey working, the random absence of her was just—odd. And then May rolled around, and that all changed. A heat wave had rolled over Cornelia Street, and the rest of Coruscant City was well.

This—was simultaneously the best thing and worst thing to happen to Ben in a long time. Rey was home more again and he was greeted by her laughter and hugs all the time, which was good. It was great. But then, as summer came, she started wearing less. And that was also—great—but really distracting. _Really distracting. _The first thing that Ben had noticed was that she stopped wearing her bra as often as she had been before. Now electing to go braless. It was really hard not to stare.

Then there were the cut offs, and Ben started to wish that he didn’t have a dick. He wondered how it was possible for someone to look so good in literally everything she wore. He wished he wasn’t such a creep, but he found himself staring, even when he didn’t mean to be in the first place. Everything she wore would show off her tattoos in a way that just made her body look like more of a masterpiece than it had been before. Making her skin look like a tapestry of flowers, birds, and other nature-esque tattoos. 

It wasn’t fair, and Ben was wishing that it was October again, when everyone was cold and he could get away with wearing all black without frying. “Hey, Ben. Are you listening to me?”

“Hm? What?”

Rey rolled her eyes, “I was asking if you were coming with us—”

“—to?”

“The music fest down in Takodana,”

“Oh! No, I think it’s best that I don’t. You know I get sunburn easily and it’s outdoors, so…” She made a face and then turned back to her phone. “What was that?”

“Nothing,”

“Rey,”

“It’s fine, if you don’t want to go, Ben. It’s just Rose, Poe, and Jannah have been asking about getting to hang out with both of us for a while and Rose is bringing her new girlfriend—”

“Rey—”

“It’s fine, if you don’t want to go. It’s fine, I’ll tell them another time.”

“I’ll go,”

“Yay!” Rey grinned and started texting her friends. “Love you, Ben.” She ran to her bathroom and came back out, throwing Ben a white cylindrical bottle that he caught with ease. It read EltaMD UV Broad Spectrum Sunscreen on it. “It was the best rated one according to Google, so—”

“You planned ahead, didn’t you?”

“Yep, now come on. We leave in an hour.”

“An hour?”

“Chop, chop Benjamin.”

Fuck.

He was so dead.

__

Kaydel Connix might’ve been the funniest person that Rey had ever met. In the span of the time that Rose introduced her new girlfriend, Kaydel had managed to tell her about the time that she met Rose in a Waffle House after she had taken LSD and she thought she was hallucinating the most beautiful woman she had ever met. Then, when she met Ben, she said, “You’re the type of person who’s personality just screams tall, I like it.”

It was pretty clear that he didn’t know how to take that, so he just said, “Uh—thanks?” Rey giggled a little.

The blonde woman glanced between the two of them and asked, “Are you guys together?”

“What—uh?” Rey was flustered but she could tell Ben was already worse off than she was. “Er, no.”

“Yeah, we’re just friends.”

At that, Kaydel snorted. She placed her hand on Rey’s shoulder and whispered in her ear, “You’re going to fuck by the end of the summer,” Then pulled back and winked. Ben was looking from Rey to Kaydel, obviously wondering _what the fuck _had just happened.

Rey didn’t have an explanation for it, at all.

She felt herself turn bright red as Rose giggled and the two girls talked about the agenda for the music festival. It was a small event, full of indie bands that were trying to establish a name, that’s why the event didn’t cost that much to go out to, but it was still fun. Everyone was just in a positive mood, and it seemed like Ben was more and more relaxed, the more he hung around her and her friends.

At one point, Ben just grabbed her hand and held it. It wasn’t something new, but it was the way he did it that was different. It wasn’t shy at all—it had this confidence to it that Rey hadn’t seen from him before. It was really great. It turned out to be one of the best days that Rey had ever had in her life.

__

The festival was great, but Ben wished he was back there instead of at work. And he wished that Rey hadn’t started working more_ again. _She was so busy, she started doing some freelance work as well and worked more and more and she didn’t tell Ben why.

Rose didn’t tell him what she was doing either.

It was really weird.

He wished he knew what was going on.

__

Therapy was great.

Ben was glad that he was back in therapy, that he had someone to work on his problems with, and that he could feel more like a person. He didn’t feel like having a breakdown every time he left work now, and it was easier to tune Snoke out of his head.

It started to change things with Rey, as well. It was slow at first, but he started feeling more confident. He started taking risks. They were small at first. Just a brush of his hand on her back, touching her thigh. But he noticed things. The way that she would react to him. The way her pupils were blown out and she looked almost hungry when he touched her. And he thought, _maybe? Maybe this whole thing wasn’t hopeless? _

Rey didn’t stop wearing extremely lowcut shirts, showing off her sternum tattoo and Ben just wanted to touch every single part of her. He didn’t, though. Because even though they would exchange looks and stolen breaths, he wasn’t the type of person to make that sort of risk. Ben wasn’t Rey. He wasn’t the risk taker of the two. One day, it was raining hard, as the end of May started to transition into the beginning of June and the storms on the horizon started to roll their way.

It was the middle of the night and there was a soft knocking on his door, “Yes.” Rey opened the door a little.

“I can’t sleep,” She said. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” He gestured for her to lay down with him, and she did. He pulled her close. They stayed that way for a minute, and Ben wondered if she had fallen asleep that fast or—she was most definitely still awake. Her shirt had ridden up a little and she picked up his hand and moved it, having is sit on the small sliver of exposed skin of her stomach.

It was going to be hard getting to sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so question: 
> 
> Would you prefer - I draw it out? Or for them to be together by chapter 12?


	11. this love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ THIS PLEASE: If you had read the previous version of this chapter, this is a revised and much better version of the chapter. Please enjoy and know that I am working on chapter twelve but I am really depressed right now and also don't really want to write this fic so it's a work in progress. Also, not on this fic in particular, but some of my other fics, I've gotten some less than supportive comments either being bitchy about the chapter or demanding that I update the fic without giving me any positivity whatsoever, 
> 
> i.e: "update" - being the only word in the comment and stuff like this. 
> 
> If I see this comment, I will purposefully take longer to write. I love positivity, but I haven't been getting a lot of that irl right now so I'm impatient when it comes to the annoying comments like that. 
> 
> Love y'all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. This isn't supposed to be a deterrent from commenting on my fics, I love your comments and will only update if I have comments because it tells me that people are reading and enjoying the fic, but commenting "update" or giving me really harsh criticism on a fic when I'm just updating a fic because I want to have fun isn't the way to go about it. Don't do that to any other fic authors either, thanks.

There was something that Rey had to tell Ben. _And it wasn’t about her feelings for him. _When the two of them moved in together, she had been clear to tell him that she was saving up enough money to be able to buy her own space for a tattoo parlor and be able to move without taking out loans, and it had taken four years but she had finally gotten to where she wanted to be after working her ass off.

She had enough money to move out.

When she had assessed her finances and looked at her savings, she felt a mix of emotions.

It was like an end of an era, and it came and hit her like a freight train. She had enough money to do what she wanted, to move and be successful like she wanted. But now there was one problem. Ben.

It was always Ben.

__

It had been raining a lot recently. Sometimes Ben wondered if it was a sign that something bad was going to happen. Because for some reason, he always received bad news when it was raining. Maybe he was just cursed like that or something. He had no idea. Rey seemed kind of distant when she got home most times these days, and Ben wondered if it was something he had done or if there was something else that had gone on that she wasn’t telling him about.

He hated it, because they told each other everything.

Well, almost everything. _He knew that there was certainly something that he wasn’t telling her. _But what could she be hiding? He tried not to worry about it and just go to therapy and worry about his own issues. But he couldn’t just not worry about Rey.

He told himself that today was the day that he was going to talk to her, ask her if everything was okay. He was an adult, he should be able to handle a little bit of confrontation, shouldn’t he?

He chickened out.

Again.

“Can you believe it’s been raining so much recently?” Rey asked.

“Yeah, it’s getting kind of ridiculous.” Rey wrinkled her nose.

“I think it’s kind of pretty,” She walked up to the window next to the dinner table. “The way the neon lights reflect against the puddles on the ground, the way the sky is dark but not necessarily pitch black. I like it, it’s dreary but it’s also aesthetically pleasing.” Of course, she would say something like that. She always made things sound so much better than they actually were. “Of course, I’m from a place where it almost never rains. So, I guess that I like it like that.”

“I guess,” Ben said, “but aren’t you bored?”

“How can I be bored when I’m with you?” It was when Rey said things like that that he thought—maybe, just maybe. Her eyes were wide, and she blinked, Ben remembering how he always thought that her eyelashes were just _so _pretty.

“You see you always say stuff like that, but I really don’t think I’m that entertaining of company.”

“There’s plenty to be entertained by, come on.” Rey popped open a bottle of Sangria that she had been chilling and poured the both of them a glass. “Time to loosen up, it’s our day off and we’re trapped inside because of the rain.”

“Yes, we are.” Rey put the bottle down and took a sip of her glass.

“So, first. We’re going to dance, and then we’re going to find the shittiest movie on Netflix and watch it. Sound like a plan?”

“Dance?”

“I’ve been wanting to slow dance recently and you are seeming like the perfect person right now.” She took a bigger swig of her drink and then Ben did the same, grateful for the alcohol relaxing him a bit.

“I don’t know how to dance,” Rey looked at her phone, putting on a playlist.

“Then—let’s just sway.” She said. “I think that’s the next best thing, isn’t it?”

“Sway,” Ben breathed, he was feeling incredibly nervous. “I can do that.” He could do this. He could absolutely do this. The two of them cleared some of the furniture out of the way and Ben could feel his heart about to lurch out of his chest as Rey pressed herself closer to him and he realized that she wasn’t wearing a bra. _Fuck. _

He already agreed to this though, he couldn’t back out. Not now. “You okay?”

“Yep,” He hoped that sounded convincing, because he didn’t feel like that was convincing at all. Ben tried to listening to the guitar strings strum out of Rey’s tinny phone speaker and then he realized what the song was. Why did he feel pathetic? This song was on a playlist he only listened to when he was pining after Rey.

_clear blue water_

_high tide came and brought you in_

_and i could go, on and on and on _

The two of them were definitely swaying. But both of them had their eyes closed and Ben was holding onto Rey like she was a lifeline of sorts.

_and i will_

_skies grew darker_

_currents swept you out again_

_and you were just gone and gone and gone_

That’s when something happened. He wasn’t sure if it was an accident or what, but for a fleeting second, Rey’s hand travelled lower than his waist, and lingered there a little too long. He didn’t say anything, just counted the seconds that it was there.

Thirty in total.

Half a minute.

The lingering—Ben could feel courage starting to swell in his chest as he thought that there was a chance. Then her hand was gone, and Ben wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Rey seemed to press harder into him again and time seemed to pass slower and faster at the same time.

_been losing grip, on sinking ships_

_you showed up just in time_

They danced through the whole song, drank more sangria and then filled their glasses up a second and third time. They went through a variety of songs, but of course it seemed that they always came back to Taylor Swift.

_we can leave the Christmas lights up ‘till January_

_and this is our place, we make the rules_

_there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear_

_have I known you twenty seconds _

_or twenty years_

This song was a little different. The swaying feeling more charged, the both of them staring into each other’s eyes. One-time Ben spun her slowly and she giggled a little bit, and he swore that her smile was the only thing that made this all worth it.

All of it was worth it, when it came down to her.

Rey had a way of enchanting his life and making him feel like he was important. No one had ever done that for him, and maybe that was why he had never gotten over his extremely strong crush. She was just—everything that Ben had ever wanted.

Everything.

That was the best night that Ben had had in a long time.

__

The next day wasn’t as fun as Rey would’ve liked it to be. It was one of the hottest days that she had ever seen, and it was like it hadn’t just been raining the day before. Both Ben and Rey were suffering, but especially Ben, because all he ever wore were long shirts and pants. He didn’t own a short sleeve shirt or basketball shorts.

“You know you can take your pants off if you need to. Or your shirt, whatever works.” Ben’s ears pinked and he looked back at his computer.

“I’m fine,”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,”

“Well, I’m going to go out with Rose and the girls. You going to be okay?” Ben nodded and Rey left without looking back. She hadn’t really been out in such a long time, and she needed a breather. Especially after she had almost said something to Ben last night about her feelings for him after having very inappropriately touched his ass for half a minute. Rose, her girlfriend Kaydel, and Rose’s sister Paige had all agreed that they were going to hang out for the day.

And they did. They all hit off with each other, had brunch, went to movies, and then parted their separate ways. Rey felt like she wasn’t mentally there though. The whole time she was thinking about Ben. Thinking about what she had told him all those years ago and wondering if he even _still remembered that. _She stood outside her apartment door thinking for a long time when Ben opened the door. “Are you coming in?” He asked.

Rey blushed, “Yeah?” Why did that come out like a question?

“Are you okay?”

“No,” That came out of her mouth without it meaning to. He gave her this look as she pushed into the apartment wondering what she had just done. _Nope, nope, nope, nope. _

“You want to talk about it?”

Rey didn’t answer that, she just kept walking, slamming the door behind her and locking it. She had never ever admitted that sort of thing to Ben before, and she didn’t want to start right now. She fell on her bed and put her earbuds in, turning it up as loud as her eardrums could bare it so she didn’t have to hear Ben.

This night was going to be a long one.


	12. i don't want to lose you, i hope this never ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS: If you haven't read the revised chapter 11, PLEASE DO. THIS WILL NOT MAKE SENSE IF YOU DON'T READ IT. THAAAAAAAAAAAANKS.

Rey had hoped that Ben would stop bothering her that night. She needed a night to just think of what she was going to do. If she was actually going to move, but of course, Ben wasn’t the type to let things go. “Rey, what’s going on?” He knocked on the door again, “Can you just come out and talk to me, like we’re adults?” With the mix of all of Rey’s emotions, she felt this spike of anger and frustration that she was even in this position in the first place.

“Talk? _Talk? _Since _when _do we talk to each other?” She shouted. That shut him up. Rey fell back onto her bed and screamed into her pillow. She absolutely hated this. Hated yelling. Especially at Ben. It wasn’t a healthy thing to do and she had told herself that she would never do it to him of all people. Rey felt frozen in place.

She could stay in here, isolated. Or she could go out and tell him something that would most likely be a lie, because how were you supposed to tell someone you had been in love with for four years that you were going to move out and stop living with them? How was that going to go over?

Rey was pretty sure that Ben didn’t have the same feelings for her that Rey had for him—which was already bad enough—but she knew that he did care about her, a lot. He always had. So how would he react to her saying that she was going to start scouting out a different place to move into? Would he encourage her? Would he be upset? Would he fake being happy for her?

Before she had met Ben, she never would have considered hurting someone’s feelings by moving. She wouldn’t have cared as long as it did something to get her to where she wanted to be. But the thing was—she wanted Ben and the job that she wanted. She wanted someone to love her, an apartment, a cool job, and a dog.

She wanted everything. Why did it have to be one thing after another? Why did she have to choose? All of the time, she always had to choose things. When she was little, it was always a choice between whether she got to eat or whether she got to sleep in a bed. Whether she would be a good girl to her foster parents or someone with her own ambitions, and her own mind, and her own power.

Now that she was here, she wanted those ambitions, and her own power. But she was also so tired of being alone, and if she moved, she would be alone again. _I think you know the only thing that’s going to solve this, _something in her brain told her, _you need to talk to Ben. _

So, she steeled herself, and the next time that Ben asked her if she was okay, she got up and opened the door.

__

It was pretty clear to Ben that she had been crying, which worried him. Rey didn’t usually cry unless she was drunk, and she didn’t seem drunk. Did something happen when she was out with Rose? Maybe Ben should have texted her. “Are you okay?” He asked. She shook her head no and immediately went in for a hug, her breath was a little choked, like she was trying to stop herself from crying again. “You want to talk about it?”

“Can we move to the couch?” Rey was shaking like a leaf, and Ben had no idea what was going on. He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay, that he _loved _her and if anything was going on, he would help her as much as he could. Because that’s what they did for each other, and that’s what Rey had done for Ben for so long.

“Are you—”

“Can you let me talk? Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to if you continue to?” Ben swallowed and nodded, suddenly very concerned about what was going to come out of Rey’s mouth. “Please, please don’t freak out until I stop talking either, because I swear—” She took a shaky deep breath in, and Ben thought to himself that he had never seen Rey look _this _wrecked before, even though the two of them had lived together for so long.

Rey had definitely seen him in all sorts of states before. “Sorry, fuck. I’m a mess. There’s no right way to say this, but remember what I told you all those years ago about wanting to start my own tattoo parlour?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, I have enough money.”

“Rey, that’s great. Why would you—”

“—but I’ve been reading up about the business and the industry is not doing well in this area and I would have to move in order to do what I want.”

Oh.

She was upset about that? “And I really want to do this, Ben. I really want to, but I—I won’t if you don’t want me to move out. I’ll stay here and we can forget about it ever happening and—”

“Why would you do that?” That came out a lot harsher than he meant it too, and that’s when the emotions really started to hit him. Swirling into this cacophonous storm inside of him that was bottled up for four years and just waiting to come out. Rey was wide eyed, like a deer in headlights. “Why would you ever give up something that you’re chasing for someone else?”

“Well because, it’s you. You’re not just someone else, Ben.”

“Yes, I’m your friend, Rey. But this is a dream that you’ve told me about, a lot. And—” His breath was starting to get shaky, “—and I think that if you want to do it. You should do it.”

“Ben—” He was already getting up.

“Ben—”

“Listen, I’m tired. I’m going to get some sleep, just uh, try not to feel bad about this, Rey. I’m proud of you, seriously.” He shut his door behind him.

__

Rey didn’t see Ben the next day. “Are you okay?” She asked him when he didn’t get up to go to work.

“Yeah,” He said. Rey went to work and came home. She didn’t see him then either.

“Are you hungry?” She asked him.

“No,” Rey left an orange and a glass of water by his door and then went to her room, zoning out listening to music and hoping that Ben would tell her when something was wrong. She guessed that this was karma of a sorts, though.

It’s the next day that he doesn’t get up that Rey gets worried. She calls out from work and stays home. First, she cooks a meal that she can put in the refrigerator and let cool until she can get Ben up and eating. Next she goes over to his room and knocks on the door. He doesn’t answer at first, and Rey can feel herself getting a little bit nervous as she waits. “What is it?” He calls out.

“Can I come in?”

“I’d rather you not,”

“Ben, I haven’t seen you in a few days, I really just want to make sure that you’re okay. Are you decent?”

“Yes,”

“Well, I’m coming in then.” She said.

Rey had seen the worst of Ben’s depressive episodes before, and she wasn’t sure if this was the same thing. He was definitely upset though, he looked like he hadn’t gotten any sleep, even though he had been in bed for a while. He wasn’t looking at her. She wondered if he was embarrassed. Slowly, Rey sat down next to him.

“I’m not hungry,”

“You haven’t eaten much.” She told him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“It’s something,” Rey said. “Just tell me what it is. I won’t judge you. You know that right?” He didn’t answer. “Ben?”

“I’m just tired.” He said.

“Can you get up? So you can eat?” He was silent for a little bit and then shook his head no.

“Okay,” Rey said. “How about this? You move over and we can cuddle?”

“Don’t you have work?”

“I called off,”

“You don’t have to do that,”

“I wanted to.” She said. “And I did, so scoot over.” He did. Rey kicked off her shoes and got under the covers, wrapping her hands around him. Most days she would think about just how wide he was, how she wanted to see more of him. Not today. She was just worried about him. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that before she heard Ben sniff. Was he crying? “Are you okay?” She asked him.

“I feel like an idiot,”

“Ben, you’re not an idiot. Why would you ever think that you’re—”

“_I’m in love with you,” _


	13. I Scream For Whatever It’s Worth, I Love You, Ain’t That the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Heard?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I wrote this chapter faster than I said I would to cope lol, I am not having a good day.

When Ben told Rey that he loved her, it had been hot as all hell outside, but it was still raining. This time actually storming the way it normally should. He told her he loved her and all of the sudden it was like she was in another universe. The words echoed in her ears and she felt like she didn’t quite connect with what Ben was telling her at first. Because how could she—he literally never let her have any sort of sign that she liked him at all. Even when Rey had told him when she was drunk, or when she was sober and they would cuddle and she was tired but awake enough to know what she was saying. He never reacted to it at all. “What?” Is the choked word that came out of her mouth when she could finally force herself to say something and she could feel Ben squirm.

“God, this is humiliating. Can you just forget that I said anything and go?” Rey stayed in the bed though, a lump formed in her throat and she told herself that if she chickened out now, she would never forgive herself.

“No,”

“Rey—”

“No, tell me what you said again.”

“You know what I said,” He told her, “I’m in love with you.”

“How could you be though?” Rey said, “I wouldn’t have missed that. I don’t miss that stuff, and I was looking for that—I was _hoping._” Suddenly the both of them are sitting up in the bed, staring at each other confused.

“Rey, you don’t have to pr—”

“Ben, I’m in love with you.”

__

_Ben, I’m in love with you. _The words don’t come out of her mouth as they do when she’s drunk or tired or sick, they come out so sure and steady that Ben isn’t sure that he heard her right the first time. She says she’s in love with him the same way that she would say that water is wet. “What?” It’s his turn to be confused, and now Rey is blushing and shaking and he has no idea what is going on right now.

He’s so confused.

“I love you,” She said.

“That’s impossible.” He told her. Finally, he could speak. Although his throat is dry and scratchy and his tongue feels like it lays heavy in his mouth. Rey laughs. She actually laughs when she heard him say that, but it’s more incredulous than he’s ever heard before right now. She actually looks mad when he said that.

“What is with you and your inability to accept that you’re worthy of love?” She said. “And before you give me some self-deprecating answer—it’s not impossible.” She keeps herself at arm’s length, “I have so much love for you in my heart that it physically hurts me not to be around you, I have dreams about you Ben. You are funny and smart and kind, and a damn good cuddler, and you listen to me and you cook and you let me sing Taylor Swift as badly as I want to and you’re so damn hot that it’s annoying. You are literally husband material—how I could not fall in love with you? It’s impossible not to fall in love with you.”

At some point when she’s talking, Ben can feel himself crying again, because he can’t believe this is happening, and Rey just keeps piling on everything and it’s so overwhelming that he legitimately doesn’t know what to do besides just cry silently as she tells him all of this. “You never said anything?”

“Neither did you!”

“I mean, can you really blame me Rey?” She gives him a blank look and he cocks his head to the side. Thunder rolls in overhead. “Ever since you’ve met me, I have been a depressed anxious mess. You know this, you were there with me when I got put on medication for the first time in my life. I didn’t know how to function back then and it’s still hard to figure all of that out. It’s so hard to even have confidence in myself with the job that I’m at, and then I have all this shit to deal with too. Of course I didn’t say anything! I literally didn’t know how. And then here you come, you’re the most confident woman I’ve ever met. You go for anything that you want and you never said anything either so I just thought you didn’t want me.”

It was still hard to believe that she did.

“I am not a confident person, Ben.” She said. “The only way I have ever been able to survive is by putting on a front, that was how I survived my childhood and that’s the way it’s been. But _I am intimidated by everything. I have anxiety about everything! Most of all about you!” _She was shouting now and then the two of them shut up. Both of them were silent and then Rey’s crying again. “Do you know how long I’ve been alone? And then you come along and you’re all hot and endearing and funny and my heart just melted. You quite literally became my best friend, the person that I want to come talk to about all my problems with and spend the most of my time with, and then I started having feelings for you and I—” Her voice cracked, “—if I lost you, I would have lost my best friend. And yeah, I have friends but losing you would be different than losing all of them. So, yeah. I didn’t say anything. I was scared.” She sniffed a little and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

“Can you blame me?” She asked.

“No,” He said, “I can’t.”

__

This is not how Rey expected the day to go, admitting her feelings and crying as thunder and rain pass overhead. But here she is, inches away from Ben, with her hands on his face. He leans into her and then sighs. “Can I kiss you?”

“Rey, I’ve never—”

“It’s fine,” She said, “I really don’t care I just don’t want to. So, can I?” She bats her eyelashes and Ben actually smiles. It’s the best thing in the world. He nods and she leans in, it’s tender and soft but hungry. Something that had been in the making for such a long time, and she never, never wanted it to end.

It was a damn travesty when she had to come up for air. Ben had this big grin on his face as he held her and Rey thought—_this was what she wanted for the rest of her life. _

_. _“You want to lay down?” Ben nodded and they both sank down into his bed, Ben holding her a lot harder than he ever had.

They held each other for the longest time before Ben said, “This doesn’t solve your moving out thing,” He sounded panicked again. Rey spoke immediately.

“Quit your job and move in with me,” She was still burrowed into Ben’s chest.

“Rey, I—”

“We can manage the business together and if you decide you don’t want to do that anymore, you’re smart enough to get hired anywhere. You deserve to work somewhere and be somewhere where you’re happy.” She pulled away from him and stared at him. “Please, Ben. Be with me, build a home with me, a new place away from here where we can both be happy. Please.” _Don’t make me be alone again. Come with me. Be my boyfriend. Marry me. _

It only took him one second before he said, “Okay. I will.”


	14. you're my lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i literally only updated this bc splintered-souls asked me to

Ben wasn’t sure if he was in heaven or not. The amount of times that Rey had kissed Ben in the last day was more than he thought that he would ever be kissed. “We’re so dumb,” She said at one point.

“What do you mean?”

“Our friends were telling us that we were into each other for years and neither of them listened,” Ben chuckled and nodded. They were both on the couch and Rey was in his lap, just so close to him. At some point he would have to pinch himself to see if this was reality or not.

He was waiting to quit his job for just the right moment, when it would really screw Snoke over. The two of them would find an apartment that they both really liked soon, and that’s where they would go. “I guess we’re going to have to tell them soon,” Ben said.

“Yeah, I know we are.” Rey rolled her eyes. “Right now I want you all to myself though, we have a lot that we have to make up for.” Ben blushed and Rey leaned down for another kiss. This one was light and quick, but somehow, every time that the both of them came back to each other, it was heavier than before. Like the two of them were holding onto each other like a lifeline.

“Well, that makes me wish I had said something sooner.”

“I should’ve just gone with my gut,” Rey said, “and told you. But again, we’re together now. Let’s make the most of it.”

__

Rose had texted Rey four times since Rey had told her that she was thinking about moving. And since then, Rey hadn’t answered back until now. “Sorry,” She said when she picked up the phone, “I was busy.”

“You’re thinking about moving,”

“Yes,” Rey said.

“Have you told Ben yet?” Rey giggled, imagining Rose’s visible confusion.

“Oh yeah, I told him.”

“I’m all for it but I mean, how did he react?”

Rey glanced at Ben as he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “He’s fine with it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” She said. “We’re going to be moving together, so. It’ll be great.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, we’re going to move to a new place together. What’s the point of separating really?” Rey could barely keep a straight face as she felt Ben press a kiss into her neck.

“Are you two together? Finally?”

“What? No—”

“Okay that’s mean,” Ben finally said.

“Is Ben right there--?”

“Okay, yes. We’re together.” Rey giggled.

“Oh my god, I fucking told you guys! I’m gonna go tell Poe, see you later Rey.” She hung up the phone after that. Rey turned around to face Ben, smiling.

“They’re going to want to officiate our wedding now,” She said.

“I’m perfectly fine with that,” He said, “if it means getting married to you.”

“God, you’re so fucking perfect.” She told him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more,”

“Debatable,” Rey said. “Now, you should take me to your bedroom and we should fuck each other as much as possible before we have to go to work.” Ben blushed, and Rey remembered last night. Taking his virginity. “That is, if you’re up to it.”

“Oh, I’m up to it.” He told her. “I’m definitely up to it.”

__

The next few weeks was weird after that. Work was stressful but Ben had more than something to come home to that made everything a lot better. Rey was waiting for him. “I made dinner,” she told him.

“That’s great,” He said. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I made your favorite,”

“Okay, wow. What did I do to deserve that?”

“Existed.”  


“Good to know,” All of this was still so surreal to him. Like an actual dream come true. He wondered when everything would end, but then he told himself that he really, really needed to stop that line of thinking. Because really, he hadn’t done anything to not deserve what he had right in front of him. He was just extremely, extremely lucky that she felt the same way that he did.

The surrealism lasted for a while after that.

The two of them would wake up and search for apartments, they would share the same bed and sometimes share a shower. Rey would stare at him unabashedly when he would work out and Ben would still sneak glances. And every single day, Rey would say, “I love you.” And the jokingly add, “more than just a platonic way.”

“Good for you to clarify that.”

“Yep, just making sure that you and I are on the same page.”

It was two weeks into their relationship that Ben sat up in bed and said, “Oh shit.”

“What?”

“We’re going to have to tell my parents.” Rey raised an eyebrow at him.

“Are you worried about that?”

“They’re going to start asking really invasive questions like when are we going to get married and when are we going to have kids and I just hate that—”

“Okay then,” She said. “well I have answers. If you want them. Two years,”

“Two years?”

“If we’re still together, and I’m pretty sure we will be because I’ve already known you for so long and I really couldn’t see myself with anyone else. If you want to, in two years we can get married and have a kid. Because I would really, really like to have a family with you. And I think that you would be a great husband and an even better dad.”

“You always know how to make me cry,”

“It isn’t that hard,”

“Okay then,” He said, “just roast me why don’t you?”

“Don’t worry,” Rey grinned, “I cry a lot too.”

“You’re always a lot more put together than I am.”

“You’re good at being vulnerable,” She put her hand on his shoulder and started lowering into bed. “I however, am not that good at being vulnerable.” She pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Now, let’s go back to sleep.”


	15. the first night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to their first night together.

The first time that Ben and Rey had sex, Ben’s emotions were on overdrive. He wasn’t sure what to do but Rey had told him that she would show him. And she did show him. They had brought condoms, and Ben had been a lot more than nervous. “What if I’m bad at it?” He asked her.

“No one’s a sex god on the first time around.” Rey smiled at him. “If it makes you feel any better, the bar for how this is going to go is pretty low. Just telling you,”

“That makes me feel great,”

“What?” Rey giggled, “I’m just saying. I think that you should know that when I did it before—it wasn’t all that great. But this is going to be better, because I’m in love with you and I can’t wait to do this. I promise.” She got down a bottle of wine and poured them both a glass. “This will help with the anxiety.” Ben took his glass gratefully. The both of them downed their alcohol, and Ben bit his lip.

“You ready?”

“Yeah,”

“Let’s take it to the bedroom then,” Ben felt a mix of emotions, but he was eager to do this. There were a lot of things going through his head when Rey lead him back there. She told him that she would take care of this first time. That she wanted it to be about him. “Trust me,” She said, “there will be plenty of time for you to learn other stuff.”

Ben liked the sound of that. The both of them stripped, and Rey had seen Ben without a shirt on, and Ben had seen Rey with just a bra and her shorts on but this was different. She took off her shirt and she wasn’t wearing a bra. He could see all of her tattoos this way, the way they were all like paintings on her skin. He just stared at her for a minute, looked at how perfect every part of her was. “Come on, your turn.” Rey said.

“Yeah, right. Sorry.” Ben told her. His fingers shook a little as he worked at the buttons on his shirt, Rey walked forward a little and helped him.

“You’re too nervous.” Rey said. “Don’t worry about it,”

“Just been thinking about this for a while,”

“Oh, really now?” Rey quirked an eyebrow. She was a lot quicker at this than he was. “How long have you been thinking about it?” When his flannel was off it was easy to take his shirt off after that, and Rey gasped a little. “You know every time I see all this; I forget how much that I love it.” It was then when Ben felt himself getting hard. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Yeah,” He said.

“I thought a lot about this too,” Rey pressed her hand against his chest. “I want to make you feel so good.” She said. His length was hardening against her ass, and Rey pressed down a little.

“If you keep doing that I’m not sure that I’ll be able to last that long,” He said.

“Right,” Rey’s lips pressed together, “sorry.”

She made quick work of his boxers and getting his dick out, and then the condom, which was a little more work. “You’re so big,” She said, “I knew that I was going to have to get extra-large.”

“You flatter me,”

“It’s true,” Rey said. “I think I can fit though.” That was something that Ben hadn’t thought about at the time, but slowly, she sank herself down on to him.

Ben gasped and almost felt like he could cum just from that, she was tight and hot and felt so good. Ben knew that he was never going to get used to that feeling. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” She gasped, “just give me a second before I start moving. God, you’re big.”

“Good to know.” He smirked. “You sure you’re okay, I don’t want you to hurt yourself,”

“I’ll be fine,” She reassured him, “I’m a big girl. I’m gonna start moving, okay?”

“Fuck—yeah. Okay. Okay,” He said. She started moving, gathering a rhythm and Ben was pretty sure that he had never felt something quite as good as that. Rey guided his hands up to her thighs, “God, you’re so fucking beautiful.” She was so wet and hot, and something told Ben that he was in heaven right now. He had dreams like this. It was so intimate and sweet, really. He brought his thumb up to her clit and Rey moaned loudly.

“Oh—shit. Yes. That was good. That was really good. Keep doing that,” He rubbed it in circles as she moved and for a second, she almost felt tighter. That was when the both of them came at the same time.

“Oh shit,”

She dropped off him with a ‘pop’ and laid on the bed next to him. “It’s been a while for me too,” She said, “but that was good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Rey said. “Was it good for you too?”

“Definitely,” He told her. They were silent for a minute before he said, “Can I go down on you later?”

“By all means,” Rey said, “that sounds great.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm sorry for the short updates. I've kind of fallen out of love with this fic. I feel bad about not finishing it, because I have the last chapters all lined up, but I just don't really want to write it.

Looking back on everything, Ben was immensely proud of how far he had come in the past few years. He finally was going to a therapist that he liked, and he was in a relationship with the most beautiful girl in the world. It was something that he didn’t think would ever happen to him in his lifetime. Something that he didn’t think that he deserved.

He was in bed with Rey at the moment, her head was resting on his chest and she was lightly snoring. Even with her hair messed up she looked so cute. With a start, her eyes fluttered open and she stared up at Ben. “Hey,”

“Hey,”

“Last night was good,”

“Yeah,” He said, “It was.”

“I don’t want to get up,”

“Neither do I,”

“Just a few more minutes?”

“Yeah,” Ben said, “a few more minutes sounds good.”

__

Ben wasn’t sure what was going to happen when he told his parents that Rey and him were dating, but the first thing that Leia said over the phone was, “Finally,” Which was something he guessed that he should have expected.

“Yeah, yeah. I get that.” Ben said.

“So when are you getting married?”

“I guess that I should have expect that too,” He rolled his eyes, “we literally just started dating, Mom.”

“Yeah, well if you know you know. You’ve been pining after her for years, and now that the two of you are finally together—”

“Okay, I’m going to go now. Love you, Mom.”

“Love you, Ben. I’m happy for you,”

“Thank you,” He hung up and turned to Rey.

“I love you,” She giggled.

“Yeah? How much?” He leaned down and she pressed a kiss onto his lips.

“A lot,” She said.

“I love you more,”

“I’d fight you on that,”

“I’d win,”

“No, you wouldn’t,”

“No, I wouldn’t.” Ben admitted.

“I’m glad that you’re self-aware,” Rey and Ben had found a place to stay and were going to start moving soon, Rey just had to find a place to buy for her tattoo parlor and they would get everything started. Ben was so close to quitting his job, he couldn’t wait. He had never been so sure about anything else in his life than this. The two of them had this new aura about them, now that they were together.

Everything was so much easier, and Ben was glad for that.

The two of them were laying on the couch together after a long night when Ben said, “Rey,”

“Yeah?”

“If this goes well, would you want to get married—eventually?”

“Yes,” She didn’t even hesitate.

“Yeah?”

“I mean, I really couldn’t see myself with anyone else.” She told him. “You’re the one for me. Do you—want to get married eventually?”

“Yeah.” He told her. “I couldn’t see myself with anyone else either, I just—my mom was talking, and I was just thinking about it.” Rey leaned her head down on Ben’s shoulder. “A year,”

“A year?”

“If we’re still together in a year, then we can talk about marriage and all that.” Ben loved Rey. He loved everything about her.

“Right,” He said. “One year,”

__

Saying goodbye to friends was one of the hardest parts of moving, but it wasn’t the end. Rey, Poe, Ben, Rose, and Jannah had all gone out for drinks when finally they told them that they were together. “Oh my god, finally.” Rose said, “I was beginning to think that nothing was ever going to happen.”

“Hey,”

“It’s true,” Poe said, “you guys were frustrating the shit out of all of us.”

Rey rolled her eyes and the two of them laughed and drank more, finally Rey told them about them moving. It was sad, but it wasn’t the worst. They were all happy in the end. Ben told them thanks for welcoming him into the friend group without question, because he’d never had that happen before. There was a little bit of crying, but not much. Rose made them promise that they were going to visit as often as they possibly could.

__

It had been a few months before they had gotten moved to their new house, Rey had brought her placed and they had started the process of getting everything ready. It was a weird and hectic time, and everything seemed to be going in fast motion, but there was one day where they were just sitting there holding each other and Ben just knew—he knew that the rest of his life was going to be a good one, and Rey was worth everything. He stared at her, how the sunlight made her look like a goddess.

This was good.

“Did you ever think that this was going to happen for the two of us?” Rey asked him.

“Honestly? No,” He told her, “I dreamed about it, yeah. But it was a dream, I never even imagined you being into me.”

“But now you know better, right?”

“I guess sometimes I don’t always see what you see in me,”

“Ben,”

“Yeah,”

“You’re literally the hottest man ever,”

“Oh, really?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, do I need to stroke your ego a bit for you believe me?”

“I’ll take your word for it, but some ego stroking would be nice.” He kissed the top of her forehead.

“Well,” Rey said, “there’s so much I could talk about that I love about you for. You’re funny, you’re sweet, you’re kind. You make me smile and you’re good at baking and you’re sensitive. You try so hard to improve yourself and there are just so many times that I think how proud of you that I am, you put up with me and have shown me so much love over the years and I just—you’re just amazing.”

“Wow, are you trying to make me cry?”

“No,” Rey said, “I’m just spitting facts. It is what it is.”

“You’re cute,”

“No, you’re cute.”

“Yeah, well you’re cuter.” Rey said. “I’ll fight you on that.” She burrowed herself closer to Ben and he wrapped his arms around her.

This was the woman that he wanted to make a life with.


End file.
